


Northern Wind

by gracefullycursed, Ridja



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Autistic Lexa, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Foster Care, Group Homes, Hurt/Comfort, Mom Friend Clarke, Neurodiversity, Selective mute Lexa, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-07-27 09:59:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 38,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7613713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracefullycursed/pseuds/gracefullycursed, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ridja/pseuds/Ridja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Suddenly, Lexa's loneliness was even more heartbreaking. Clarke couldn’t remember anyone calling Polaris to ask about her. No relatives, no friends, no nothing and no one deserved to be that lonely."</p><p>After Lexa's mom passes away,she ends up in a group home for girls where Clarke works as volunteer.</p><p>Or,<br/>Group Home au.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mother

_"Mother, make me, make me a big grey cloud, so I can rain on you things I can't say out loud."_

_Mother - Florence + The Machine_

 

* * *

 

The graveyard was illuminated by the weak, dim light of early morning. It smelled incredibly fresh for such a sad place, the grass scent filling the air, as well as the perfume of the different kinds of flowers that people left for their loved ones, and while Lexa had always been a flower fan, that combination of too many scents all at once was a bit overwhelming to her. Lately, everything was overwhelming for her, even more than usual.

Ever since she could remember, her mother had always been her best friend. One of the few people who would take care of her, no matter what. Who would never judge her meltdowns, schedules or stims, but try and understand them, unlike the rest of her family. It was utterly hypocritical for most of them to even be at her funeral, and Lexa was split between drowning in her grief and wanting to actually drown those people. People she already knew would not take her in, who would leave her abandoned to the will of the system, and she had heard enough stories to know how cruel that will could be. She did not wish to be fostered or adopted either, though; she wasn't ready to face prejudice coming from other families as she had faced from within her own.  
Lexa was alone now. And if she could choose, she would remain that way.

They lowered her slowly into the damp, freshly removed earth and Lexa’s eyes finally filled with tears. It was the first time she felt like she needed to cry since she got the call from the police. She was making coffee while packing her things to go to school. It was not unusual for her mother to take two consecutive shifts. They needed the money. They always needed money. That morning she was taking a little too long to get home, but given that her mother was a nurse and that the ER sometimes would get crazy, Lexa didn’t think much of it. There was probably some emergency and she was held up for a little longer.

Yes, the ER was indeed crazy the night before and yes, there had been an emergency, but not the kind she would expect. On her way home, Elizabeth Woodson had slept on the wheel and crashed into a light pole. Luckily, no one was hurt but herself. She was rushed into the hospital and despite all the hard work, she couldn’t be saved.

Lexa was about to leave for school when the phone rang, a nurse friend of her mother’s calling to tell her what had happened.

Each word pronounced by the woman filled her with anxiety and as much as she tried to focus on the conversation, it got harder and harder. The sentences started to lose sense and Lexa couldn’t find any connection between them and their meaning. Instead, the sound of the woman’s voice was bothering her greatly as if it was pure, loud white noise spreading itself inside Lexa’s head to the point it hurt. She ended up dropping the phone, the tears in her eyes causing a burning sensation, like when she was a kid and she accidently rubbed her eye with her hands dirty from pepper while eating Mexican food with her mother. Lexa wasn’t sure if that feeling come from how high sensory sensible she was at that moment or if it was because of how hard she was crying or maybe a mix of both. Either way, it hurt. A lot.

 

She threw herself on the floor, letting out a scream and taking her hands to her hair and wrapping her fingers around her curls, tugging on them with some strength, trying to get herself rid of the sensation that ran all over her body and clouded her mind, making everything too bright, too loud, too much.

Lexa spent at least ten minutes doing that non-stoppingly, her hair becoming a complete mess by the end, but she felt at least a little bit better, not that better could be a word used to describe herself at that moment. Lexa gathered some strength, dragging herself to her room, locking the door behind her.

The blinds were shut, so no sunlight came in, but she still pulled the covers over her head, trying to block as much of the outside interference as she could, curling into a ball and shutting her eyes, trying to make sense of everything that was told her on the phone.

She had no idea for how long she had been like that. Could have been hours or days, she would not know how to tell. Her head was such a mess that she could easily forget to do simple stuff such as eat or get up and go to the bathroom. Lexa only got up from the bed when Jane, her mother's best friend –they had gone to college together and somehow ended up working at the same hospital- and the one who called her to deliver the news, pulled the covers gently, waking her up. Jane helped the girl out of bed and into the shower, changing her into fresh clothes and feeding her a quick meal before they headed to the cemetery.

Lexa watched in silence as her so-called family, dropped flowers onto the ground. She had a hard time believing how someone’s entire life could be erased like that. How all the mornings she spent making pancakes with her mother would never happen again. Or the weekends they spent making way too elaborate meals just for the two of them. Or the road trips they took together every summer to a random place they chose on the map. Or how they took care of the garden together, getting new flowers whenever they could.

None of that would ever happen again. Lexa was all alone and the only friend she ever knew was gone. Her entire life was about to change and she had no idea on what to do or where to go from there, but home seemed like a good option, at least while she had one.

As soon as the ceremonial was over, Lexa headed home. She saw no reason to extend that painful moment for longer than it was necessary. The ride was quite short, but it felt a lot longer due to the countless attempts of starting a conversation that the Uber driver did, but she simply wouldn’t answer.

Her house looked like it always did, which felt very ironical since her life was doing handstands. Lexa went straight to the kitchen, the coffee from the previous day lying cold in the machine’s jar. She dumped it in the sink before brewing herself a fresh cup. While it brewed, she kept herself busy with doing the almost week old dishes that were lying forgotten in the sink.

When it was done, she poured herself a cup, sitting by the breakfast isle to enjoy it, while she stared at the door. It felt like those times her mother worked at the weekends and Lexa would stay home, cleaning and doing laundry or cooking her mother fresh homemade food for when she got home, coming through the opened door, carrying groceries, carrying heavy bags on her hands and under her eyes, but always a smile, no matter how tired she was. It was a lovely memory, but Lexa’s mother would never come through that door again, instead, came Jane a few days later, accompanied by a social worker.

 

* * * * *

 

It was a boring day at Polaris Home for Girls, the group home for orphans where Clarke Griffin volunteered in. She had already finished most of her daily tasks and there was nothing good on the TV. She was lucky enough to have her best friends just as bored at about the same time. The three of them had gathered in Raven and Octavia’s room with some card games. Initially, they had planned to play Uno, but since last time they had fought so much over that stupid game that O had lost some of her privileges, they found it better to stick to good ol’ poker, even if they were not allowed to gamble in the house.

“I’m out…” Octavia rolled her eyes, placing her cards downwards on the bed. She hated that stupid game. It required too much bluffing and too little action, but Raven and Clarke had insisted on it, given it was something they were both good at and it thrived both of their competitive spirits up. Plus, it was better than doing the dishes, so she stuck with it.

“I’m all in.” The blonde announced with a slight smirk, pulling all of the stripes of paper where they had written down chores in the middle of the bed. Even Octavia, who was starting to get bored, lifted her eyes up at that, amused by the idea of grumpy Raven having to do all of those chores in case she lost and vice versa.

“Oh, are you, princess?” The brunette stared into the blonde’s eyes, her gaze filled with challenge and intimidation, but Clarke didn’t even flinch.

“Oh, I am. Are you?” Her smirk grew wider and she still didn’t blink, but then again, neither did Raven.

“Yes, all in.” Raven pushed all of her stripes of paper to the middle of the bed as well. “Ready to be my slave this week, princess?” She challenged. “I’ll give you one last chance to give up!”

Clarke rolled her eyes.  
“I’m not giving up…” The grin never left her face as she turned the cards up. Ace. King. Queen. Jack. Ten. All diamonds.

“Oh, fuck you, Griffin!” Raven complained, tossing her cards upwards. “I had a fucking Straight Flush!”

“Oh, please. Not even the cards believed you to be straight!” Clarke joked, laughing out of her own punch line. “I hope you have fun with this week’s double chores!”

She would go on with mocking Raven, had they not been interrupted by a knock on the door. She got up from the bed, opening it and finding Erin, the owner and administrator of Polaris waiting on the other side. Octavia prompted herself into hiding their cards and their papers, throwing herself on the bed and laying over everything.

“Hey, Erin! Is everything okay?” Clarke asked, trying to ignore the noises her friends were making inside the room.

“Yes, but I need your help. Our newest resident has just arrived and you may want to give her a tour.” Clarke nodded. She remembered hearing something about a new girl coming into the house, but it didn’t really stick to her memory.

She followed Erin to the living room where a young girl waited alongside a Social Worker. Clarke didn’t notice him, all of them looked the same to her, but the girl, she would be hard to miss.  
Her hair was long and curly, her skin carrying a soft tan that Clarke almost envied since she would always end up as red as a shrimp in the sun, her jawline was incredibly defined, but not so strong that it made her face heavy, and Clarke couldn’t help but notice she also had quite long fingers. But the feature that called her attention the most were her eyes. Green as a deep, mushy forest, unlike anything else she had ever seen, but it carried as much sadness as it did beauty. The girl avoided holding glances with her, the Social Worker or Erin and instead kept her eyes focused on her own hands, which she moved continuously. She looked anxious, almost desperate.

“Clarke, this is Alexandria.” Erin announced, and the green-eyed girl squinted her yes, looking at her with a frown, as if she didn’t like being called that, but she still didn’t speak. “She is gonna live here now. Do you think you could take her to a tour while I talk to Thomas here?” Clarke nodded, offering a hand to help the girl get up from the couch. Alexandria frowned in response, as if slightly confused by the offering coming from someone she had just met, but accepted anyway, letting her hand go as soon as she was up.

“My name is Clarke Griffin.” Said the blonde to the other girl, trying to smile a bit, but the only response she had was a nod. Clarke was starting to question if she even talked at all, or if she was deaf, which wasn’t bad at all, but if some of the girls in that house already made fun of Raven’s brace, Clarke didn’t know how they would treat someone who didn’t speak.

They went upstairs first, so that the girl could leave her stuff in her room. She didn’t look very motivated to unpack at that moment, or to do anything at all. Clarke was starting to wonder if her parents had passed recently and she had just gotten to the system. If that was true, having to go through grief in a place like a group home seemed to be a cruel trick of faith. There wasn’t much to see upstairs: all of the rooms were very much alike, with two beds each, but Alexandria was lucky enough to not have to share hers with anyone else. Clarke showed her one of the bathrooms they all shared, noticing she didn’t look very pleased with that. There was another bathroom downstairs as well, but there was no way of getting rid of having to share.

“Are you hungry?” Clarke asked once they were done with the tour. Alexandria seemed to take a moment to think, but nodded in agreement after a few seconds. Celebrating that little victory inside her head, Clarke guided her to the kitchen, opening the fridge to check on what they had.

“I hope you like Mac’n Cheese, it’s what we eat the most here…” She joked as she got some leftovers. Surprisingly, the other chuckled, it was short and almost inaudible, but it was there. Again, it felt like a Victory Fanfare played inside Clarke’s head.

Alexandria’s glance ran around the room, as if she was looking for something. Intrigued, Clarke frowned, trying to understand what the girl was looking for. Frustrated, the other opened up a palm, while setting her other hand in a pinch shape, gesturing it over the open hand.

“Oh! You want something to write on?” The blonde asked. Her response was a breath of relief and an excited nod. Clarke got her a notepad and a pen.  
_“Yes, I do like Mac’n Cheese. And please, call me Lexa.”_ She wrote incredibly fast, probably already used with way of communicating.

“Okay!” Clarke smiled, heating up the food for the girl. “I don’t know if it’s rude to ask… But are you Deaf?” She bit her lower lip, mentally praying she wasn’t being offensive. Lexa nodded negatively, writing down.

_“No. I can hear and speak, I just don’t want to.” _She nodded, pulling a chair for Lexa and serving her food, before she got the orange juice from the fridge to serve her.__

“Do you like this?” Lexa nodded, sitting down, writing a final word before she started to eat.

_“Thank you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I haven't written a fic in a very long time, let alone post it, so comments are very much appreciated!  
> You can find us on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl ^^


	2. Constant Knot

_“How much would you bet that if I tried hard enough I would spontaneously combust?”_  
                                                                                _Constant Knot - City and Colour_

 

* * *

 

Lexa was intriguing, to say the least. A week in the house and she hadn’t spoken a single word yet. She would communicate purely by gesturing or writing when necessary, and that communication itself not being much more than the basic. The one good thing about all of that was that she never complained about her chores.

 Even without speaking, it was hard for Clarke to miss the amount of emotion that she carried in her eyes. It didn’t matter how quiet she was or how much she seemed to want to hide said emotions, those mushy green eyes would make it all crystal clear and most of the time, they portrayed either sadness or anger, sometimes, both.

 It didn’t take long for the comments to start. Apart from Raven and Octavia, there were four more girls living at Polaris: Anna, Carrie, Alison and Dahlia, and to be honest, Clarke had never truly liked them the latter two.  They were the ones who would make fun of Raven’s brace and made fun of Octavia for being left behind as a baby when her brother was adopted, a story she regretted sharing at group therapy till this day, even if she had made the girls pay for it in a fist fight.

 Clarke was sitting by the couch, comfortably studying some pictures of human anatomy when they sat on the other side of the room, just their presence being enough to shake her up. However, she tried to not pay attention to the conversation since nothing good could come out of it, but once her ears caught up Lexa’s name, it was impossible to ignore it.

 “That Lexa girl is so strange.” Those were Alison’s first words. “Strange” wasn’t that much of a negative word, so she let it pass at first, even though her focus on the book was already gone.

“She’s ridiculous!” Answered Ontari, laughing a bit. Clarke's hand closed into a tight fist, and she needed to take a deep breath and swallow, so she wouldn't jump on them right then, right there. “What’s up with pretending to be mute or whatever? She’s clearly not deaf!” Her laugh got louder and accompanied by her friend.

 Clarke didn’t know Lexa that well, or at all, but she was also unable to ignore the protective instinct building up inside her chest. She closed up her book with a loud thud, turning to stare at the girls.

 “And what’s up with talking shit about someone you don’t even know?” Her tone was fierce and she could feel her jaw tensing up.

 “Oh, here comes the knight in shining armor!” Ontari giggled mockingly. “Shut up, Griffin, you don’t know the girl either.”

 “And that’s why I have no right to mess with her and neither do you…” Before Ontari could say anything else, Erin approached, noticing the heat that was starting to come from their unfriendly conversation.

 “Is everything alright in here?” She questioned, standing in between the couches and crossing her arms, staring at them with an intimidating glance that should not belong to someone that short.

 “Yes, it is.” Clarke answered, getting up from her place. “It’s time for me to go home anyway. Do you need anything else?”

 “No, darling, it’s fine. Thank you.”

 

* * * * *

 

“ _You don’t know the girl either.”_ Those words echoed in Clarke’s mind all the way to her house. It shouldn’t bother her, Lexa was just another resident at Polaris, who she had hardly spoken to, but there was something about those eyes, always so filled with sadness, that lured the blonde. It felt as if Lexa was silently screaming for help, like she needed to be cared for, and Clarke had always felt attracted to those who seemed to be more needy than herself. It was why she decided to volunteer in a group home in first place.

The house was empty, as she already expected. Clarke practically lived alone since her mother was always at the hospital or out with her friends and it was rare for the two of them to do something together. That didn’t bother her and she even preferred that way. She enjoyed the sense of freedom it gave her and, even though she was an extrovert, she could appreciate the loneliness and the silence, which meant she could dive into her art for hours, free of any interruptions.

 However, it didn’t use to be like that an year ago.

 Saturdays were the nights Clarke would have for herself, but Friday nights were all dedicated to her family. Jake was the one to plan them out. Usually, he would take the young girl and her mother to their usual restaurant, but sometimes they would vary and go to a different bar or to a  pizzeria. It didn’t truly matter as long as there were TVs with sports so that they could watch  games while eating and listening to Abby’s complaints about how they should pay more attention to each other and less to whatever was on the television. Something that would make both of them laugh and piss Abby off even more.

 There wasn’t a single day she didn’t miss him.

 It had been a year already and ,although she was free of feeling as if she was being drowned by her grief every second, that heaviness in her chest would still make an appearance and she could never predict what effect it would have on her. At times, she would keep on with her day normally. In others, it would bring her down way too deeply and she wouldn’t have much of a choice rather than either lie down on her bed and stay there for the rest of the day, or go up to the attic.

 The attic was Clarke’s personal art studio and the only part of the house she actually cared about. Unlike her room, the studio was always tidy and everything had its own place so that she could split the different types of brushes, sizes of canvas, types and colors of paint, because having to look for everything while she was in the middle of her creative process was a killjoy that could easily block her.

That night was a case of going to the attic, but not because of her father.

 She mindlessly filled the blank canvas in different shades of green. Lime, pine, emerald, chartreuse. From the darkest to the lightest, but always making sure that the mushy, forest green was the strongest one and that the darker tones appeared more than the lighter ones. That painting didn’t have an exact shape or direction, it was completely abstract, but the amount of dark colors gave a somber, sad tone to it. Still, it turned out as beautiful as it was sad.

 

 *****

 

It had been a week since Lexa’s world had collapsed right before her own eyes and pulled down into a hole. It didn’t really feel like she was a falling anymore, but she still didn’t have the energy or the will to start climbing up again. Most of the time, she just existed. She just survived.  
  
Having a routine helped. Lexa would wake up before everybody else and it was the only time of the day she could enjoy some silence.  She’d take her shower before packing her bags for the day and heading downstairs to make breakfast.

Normally, the chores in the group home would be distributed in a rotation way. They wold change every day and would be redistributed between the girls, but in a silent talk with Erin, Lexa asked to be in charge of food duty every day.  The carer agreed, but the girls took some convincing, but it was nothing that a promise of fresh batch of pancakes every morning wouldn’t do.  
  
Slowly, the house started to get up. The noise of the old wood from the floorboards creaking under heavy feet and water from the showers being open. The smell of coffee and the sizzling of butter melting in a pan. That Lexa could bear: it were the voices that bothered her. Loud voices that normally were filled with irony and disdain, most of time directed towards her.  
  
It’d been a week and there were already comments going around of why she wouldn’t talk to anyone or why she was so weird. Lexa tried to shake it off, but it was hard. Living with this kind of thing for her entire life didn’t make it any easier. There were things that not even time could make right and she didn’t think anyone would get used to being the target of mean comments, even if it happened most of their life.  
  
People would make fun of her because she didn’t speak much or didn’t have many friends, but no one seemed to take into account how hard it actually was for her. No one would know how her palms would start sweating and her heart race every time a teacher would force her to answer a question aloud or make her come in front of her class to deliver a presentation.  
  
Her mother had tried to talk to school principals and teachers, but they all had said that they couldn’t give this kind of privilege. Lexa would end up, changing schools, but it would be a matter of time before it would all start again.  
  
Moreover, at home, it wouldn’t be much different. The little memory of Lexa had of her father, would be of him fighting with her mother. He would say the girl was weird, that she didn’t talk even after doctors had told them that there was nothing impeding her of doing so. Her mother would fight back, arguing that just because the kid was silent and introverted, didn’t mean she didn’t communicate.  After a while, he left and Lexa was to bear the burden of being the one responsible for her parents’ divorce.  
  
No one ever payed attention to her unless it was for mocking or making fun of her. No one heard her silent cries for help or listen to help quiet pleas.

  
                                                                                   * * * * *

Lexa sat on the couch, pulling her feet up and hugging her legs, her face resting on her knees. This would be her first group therapy since she came to the house and it scared the crap out of her. She had been to therapists before and she knew how bad it could be, how they would force her to talk, even after she denied doing so.

The counselor would take turn asking everyone questions and to share and Lexa mostly listened, playing with the shoelaces of her boots, listening the other girls' stories, until her turn arrived.  
  
“Lexa, is there anything you would like to share with us?” Erin asked gently, smiling warmly at her. She didn’t seem bad, but it was not as if Lexa felt like opening up in front of people she barely knew, so she nodded negatively.  
  
“Are you sure?” She asked, still smiling.  
  
“Erin, there is no point asking her anything. She’s clearly retar-”  
  
Ontari didn’t have time to finish her sentence. Before anyone could even predict, Lexa had flung across the circle and punched the other girl and a fistfight broke.  
  
That word had been used many times before to describe Lexa and all times it was meant as an insult, and all the years of hearing it didn't make it any easier fior her.  
  
“You have no right to call me that!” She said between punches and kicks, her voice loud and powerful, reverberating across the room. Around them, most girls cheered, but hands tried to grab Lexa’s shoulders. She fought them back, trying to keep on defending herself before more hands grabbed her, actually pulling her away and breaking the fight.  
  
Lexa’s lip was throbbing and she could taste blood in her mouth, but overall, it was not like she could say she got the worst from the fight.  
  
“You two, you just lost your weekend privileges!” Erin said, holding Ontari's arms, who still tried to get away from her reach.  
  
“WHAT?! Why me?!” Asked Ontari in awe. “She was the one who started the fight!”

“We don’t use the r-word in this house and I do not take it lightly and I _will_ make an example out of you. If I hear anyone else saying it, beware of the consequences. ” Erin said, clearly infuriated. “Now both of you, to your rooms!”

Lexa let go of the hands to held up, climbing up to her room, making a stop at the bathroom to wash herself and assess the situation. Apart from a broken lip, there was nothing more than a few scratches. She cleaned her mouth before going to her room, plopping herself on the bed.  
  
That word had been used enough times before to describe Lexa, always as an insult. It always triggered something almost animalistic into her, a will to protect herself that she didn't show that often. She normally wasn’t one to be explosive or violent, but no one had the right to insult her for something she clearly didn’t chose.  
  
“Can I come in?” Clarke's voice came from the outside as she stood by the doorframe with Octavia and Raven behind her and a first aid kit at hand. Lexa nodded, allowing them to approach.  
  
“Erin sent me to take care of you….” Clarke explained, smiling a bit, placing the kit on the bedside table and opening it. She got some cotton and a liquid, using it to clean her mouth, which made Lexa flinch as her lips felt as if they were burning. “Sorry, I have to clean it…”  
  
“You know, you were pretty badass down there… Had been a while since we had a fist fight over here, much less one that I wasn’t involved in!” Octavia stated with a chuckle and a proud glance.  
  
Lexa smirked in response.  
  
“Thanks..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now time for a small PSA: as neurodiverse writers, we would like to ask you to take the r-word off of your vocabulary. It's incredibly offensive to us. Please, it's not acceptable, doesn't matter where you are or the context. Please, don't use it.  
> Also, please remember Ontari may be a bitch, but Rhiannon is a sweet Paçoquita! *u*
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! 
> 
> Catch up with us on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl !


	3. Promise

_"And meet me there, bundles of flowers, w_ _e wait through the hours of cold"  
                                                                                Promise - Ben Howard_

 

* * *

 

Lexa’s voice and attitude had been nothing like Clarke could’ve predicted. With her being always so distant and introverted, the blonde had expected her to be more quiet and have a calmer tone of voice, but what actually came out of Lexa instead was, in a word, impressive. She was like a feline, going from quiet and mysterious to loud and feral in a matter of seconds. It would be hard to deny that that was also quite attractive.

She didn’t seem bothered for losing the chance to go out on the weekend, it wasn’t as if she had done that the first time to begin with and Clarke was starting to doubt she had anywhere to go. She didn’t look like the kind of person who would show up to a party alone either, or at all, so it was likely that she would always spend those weekends alone, with or without privilege. She didn’t deserve that, no one did.

Plus, there was the fact that Ontari was also going to be forced to stay at Polaris that weekend and unlike Lexa, she was far from satisfied, making sure to express her dislike for it as loudly as possible. And knowing how impulsive that girl was and how much she lacked self-control, Clarke was a little worried about what could happen if she was left alone with Lexa for the weekend.

****  
“I can’t believe you’re actually spending the weekend here by choice.” Raven teased as she and Octavia were getting themselves ready to attend a party on that Saturday and Clarke herself would help them with their makeup. Lexa had been locked in her room reading a book through most of the day and they had hardly interacted, but the blonde still felt the need to stay. It was her duty to make sure she and Ontari would not get in a fight anytime soon.

“I just wanna make sure the girls don’t fight, okay?” Clarke’s tone was slightly annoyed, which only made the other two exchange glances with each other and share a short giggle.

“Oh, right! Of course! Clarke Griffin, always so responsible!” Octavia teased with a little smirk, making Clarke throw a cushion at her in response.

“Shut up.”

“Okaay… But you’re missing one hell of a party!” Octavia stated, smiling a bit.

“Plus, your boy toy is gonna be so disappointed!” It was Raven’s turn to get a cushion thrown at her head, which she didn’t doge as gracefully as Octavia, but still managed to do so.

“Look, I really wish I could go, but…” Clarke sighed. “I really need to watch the girls.”

“You keep telling yourself that, Princess.” Raven teased with a smirk.

****  
Lexa did spend most of her time reading alone in her room, and since Ontari was pretty much owning the TV downstairs, there wasn't much for Clarke to do but to draw in the quietude of Octavia and Raven's empty room. She had started studying the anatomy of flowers, trees and nature in general. It was surprisingly relaxing to study how to make something so delicate gain life on the paper in front of her.

There was a knock at the door. However, the noise wasn’t enough to make Clarke take the attention off of what she was doing. Not when she found herself so submerged in her art. Even if she had heard the knocking, she did not process what the sound actually was.

"Clarke?" Lexa's voice was what brought her out of her focus, making her put the piece she was working on over the bed and head to the door.

"I'm sorry. I didn’t hear you knocking. Do you need anything?" She asked, with a little smile.

“Yes. I'm afraid we have nothing to eat tonight."

"Oh, right! Perhaps, we could order a pizza." Clarke wasn't sure if pizza was even allowed once the girls had lost their privileges, but it sounded both as a way of getting a truce with Ontari and getting herself and Lexa free from any cooking duties that night.

"Pizza?" Lexa's eyes seemed to lift up in a way Clarke had never seen it done before, it was the first time she watched the girl expressing some kind of emotion that resembled happiness, even if distant. She couldn't help herself but to smile widely.

"Yes! Pizza! You seem to like this idea, huh?"

Lexa looked down, playing with the tips of her curly hair.

"Actually, pizza is one of my favorite foods ever. I used to have it with my mom all the time." Upon mentioning her mother, the happiness in her eyes seemed to slowly fade away, replaced by her usual sorrow and grief.

Clarke knew that having such a vivid and happy memory of a parent that was no longer there could be torturing; like having a recent wound open and exposed. Like having that constant knot trapped inside your chest, a knot that seemed to never go away no matter how much she pretended it did. It was even worse at the beginning, suffocating her whole self from inside out, making her feel as if there was not even a point in continuing to live if it meant she could no longer share her life with someone she wanted so much to make proud. And even now, there were still some rare days she wasn't sure if she would be capable of continuing to live without him.

But unlike Lexa, Clarke had never been alone in that journey. She had her mom going through the same kind of pain as her. She had her loyal friends, always there to lift her up when she fell, always holding her hand when she had to go through some really rough shit. They would feed and bathe her on the days she couldn’t even get out of bed, letting her cry on their shoulders and laps all night long, among so many other things that Clarke was thankful for. She would be nowhere without Raven and Octavia.

Suddenly, Lexa's loneliness was even more heartbreaking. Clarke couldn’t remember anyone calling Polaris to ask about her. No relatives, no friends, no nothing and no one deserved to be that lonely.

"All right. In this case, we can order a large pizza in your favorite flavor, how about that?" Lexa looked a little confused, embarrassed, even. Clarke wasn't sure. Either way, her expression was adorable.

"Well, Pepperoni is my favorite."

"Great! I love Pepperoni!" The other exclaimed, her face brightening up a bit, before she stepped away from the door to give the girl some space. "Why don't you get in?"

Again, Lexa looked a little lost by that statement, as if it wasn't her place to get into the girls' dorm that way. After processing the information Clarke had given her for a few seconds, Lexa nodded, getting to the room. The artist sat on the bed, putting her drawings to the side, looking up at her companion.

"Sit! You can stay here with me or on O's bed." She stated, nodding towards the empty bed with her head .

For some reason, Lexa ended up sitting beside her and the other couldn't deny that was satisfying. She stared curiously at the drawings that the artist was doing before. Her face shifted, the corners of her lips lifting up a bit on what resembled faintly a smile and her pupils expanding. Clarke could feel her cheeks getting a little warm.

Her art had always been something so very personal and, although she did want people to admire that, it was always a little embarrassing to have someone stare deeply at her work. She wasn't used to it. Instead, she was used to her friends always appreciating every little doodle she made, no matter how simple it was. Or her mom getting annoyed by the fact she would rather be an artist than a doctor. But the way Lexa was staring at those drawings was different. The last time she remembered having someone looking so enchanted by a piece of hers was back when Jake was still alive.

"Did you draw this?” Lexa's voice broke Clarke's train of thought. “It's really pretty…" In response, the artist nodded, getting the other drawings to show to the other.

"I was trying to teach myself how to draw flowers and trees..." She looked at the drawing itself as she spoke, tracing the lines of it with her eyes and frowning at the little mistakes she could find, mentally cursing herself over them. "It's far from perfect, though."

"I still think it's beautiful." Said Lexa, not lifting her eyes up either, keeping them on the drawing herself. “Flowers are so pretty but people nowadays just seem to overlook them… People our age even forget they exist… You did an amazing job…”

Clarke's cheeks got warm again as she looked up at Lexa with a tiny smile on her lips, one that Lexa herself had.

"Thank you."

* * * * *

Lexa smiled a bit more, flipping a page.

“Can I take a look at the other stuff?” She asked shyly, not taking her eyes off of the paper. Drawing could be something awfully personal and the last thing she wanted was to step over Clarke’s boundaries.

“Sure, go ahead” Answered the other. “But this is my practice notebook…”

“Trust me, it’s better than anything I could draw…” Lexa joked, getting a chuckle out of the other girl, before starting to flip the pages.

Clarke was right; most of the drawing in there were unfinished, with rough lines, some of them a bit wonky, even. However, her attention to detail was impressive.

“I’d love to see some of your finished stuff someday…” Stated Lexa as she gave the notebook back.

“Oh, hang on, then!” Clarke answered, her excitement clear in her voice. She got her phone from the drawer on the nightstand, so she could open a picture to show Lexa.

It was beautiful. She had painted the night sky in dark blue color, standing majestically over a dense forest, which was illuminated by the moonlight as well as the stars. The light didn't hit much more than the top of the trees and a little lake, which reflected the sky above perfectly.

“This is amazing…” She said, still looking at the picture. Clarke’s attention to detail was even more astonishing in a finished piece. However, her trace of thought was interrupted by the phone buzzing, a pop-up invading the middle of the screen.

“Oh!” Lexa exclaimed, giving the phone back. “Someone named Finn is texting you…”

“Right...” Said Clarke, her cheeks turning into a light shade of pink, her fingers hurrying to answer the text. “He’s my… Friend…”

* * * * *

Lexa was sitting on the bed, her legs up, close to her chest and her face on her knees, watching silently as Clarke drew some figures from the book open in front of her when the doorbell rang.  
The sudden noise was enough to startle her, given the way the silence she was so comfortable with was abruptly interrupted. Immediately, she jumped, fidgeting with the sleeve of her jumper.

“Must be the pizza delivery guy!” Clarke said, promptly putting her stuff aside.

“I don’t have any money on me right now….” Lexa apologized, biting her lower lip.

“Don’t worry, it’s my treat!” The other exclaimed, getting her wallet and rushing downstairs.

She came back after a while, bearing a very large pizza box and two cans of Coke. She placed the box in her bedside table and opened, the smell of cheese and pepperoni filling up the room and Lexa’s nostrils, immediately bringing her a known sense of comfort she was always grateful for. Clarke smiled, getting a piece for herself before the other did the same, letting out a happy noise as she bit the cheesy goodness.

Clarke giggled a bit, watching her over her own slice of pizza.

“Sorry, I haven’t had pizza in a while”. Lexa explained, sipping her drink.

“Never apologize for good food.”

* * * * *  
“Sorry, I made you spend a Saturday night stuck in a group home playing Scrabble… ” Lexa said, getting herself another slice of pizza of which Clarke had eaten just two, leaving the rest to the other, once she noticed how much the girl was enjoying it.

“Don’t worry… Frat parties are not my favorite anyway!” Clarke shrugged. “And if I wasn’t here, I would just be home eating junk food by myself…”

“Right…”

Lexa took a bite of her pizza, arranging the tiles on the board with her free hand, a corner of her lip curved up in a small smirk.

“Also, I’m sorry, but I think you just lost…”

“WHAT?!”

“Yeah….” Lexa got a notepad, counting the points from the game.

“For someone who almost doesn’t speak, you vocabulary is very wide…”

Clarke’s words made Lexa frown and look down, her hands finding the hem of her sweater again, playing with it, which made the other feel immediately guilty for what she had just said.

“I’m so sorry!”

“It’s called selective mutism…” Explained Lexa, shrugging. “It’s a type of anxiety disorder…. I didn’t start speaking until I was almost five and even back then, I didn’t talk much….”

“Again, I’m sorry…” Clarke reached to touch her hand, but gave up midway.

“It’s okay… You didn’t know…” She shrugged once more, her teeth finding her lower lip.

They were interrupted by the door slamming open against the wall, making both of the girls jump in their sit.

“We’re back, bitches!” Octavia announced, barely being able to keep herself straight.

“And we are very, very, veeeeeery drunk!” Raven completed, giggling a bit, following her friend into the room “You missed one hell of a party, Griffin! You boy toy was there and he missed yoooou!”

Lexa frowned, getting up from the bed. It didn’t seem like her place to be there anymore and it was quite obvious that the girls would need their beds back.

“I should go… It’s late…”

“PFFFFFFFFT! What are you, five?” Octavia asked, laughing a bit too loud of her own joke.

“Please don’t mind her!” Clarke apologized, shoving her friend into the bed, helping her take off her shoes.

“Good night, Clarke.”

“Good night, Lexa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys!  
> We hope you enjoy this chapter! We finally got some decent Clexa interactions, huh? And it's only uphill from there. Or not. Who knows?  
> As always, you can reach us on tumblr via gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl and @t_lockhart on Twitter.
> 
> Comments, kudos and bookmarks are always appreciated! :)


	4. Run Baby Run

  _"When nothing seems too certain or safe, let it burn through you"_  
_Run Baby Run - Garbage_

 

* * *

 

On the next day, Clarke woke up to the sweet smell of pancakes. Ever since Lexa got there, she hadn't actually woken up in the group home, so she was still unaware of how wonderful the other girl's breakfast was, and the scent was enough to fill her mouth with water.  
  
Clarke had never been a fan of waking up early, so even if she didn’t drink last night, she still had to manage to drag herself off of the bed. Sleeping over at Polaris meant she had to respect their schedule.  
  
“The fuck? Is it morning already?!” Octavia complained, turning to the side and covering her face with a pillow, annoyed. If Clarke was a little bit moody early in the morning, her friend was twice as worse, hardly functional before at least midday.

"Sleep in if you want, I'll have your pancakes!" Raven exclaimed from her spot beside Clarke, chuckling a bit, before she put her hand on her forehead, and closed her eyes, her face twisting with pain and regret.

"How much did you two drink last night?" Clarke asked, half curiously, half teasingly.

"More than both of us could count, for sure." Answered the latina, turning and hiding herself from the light the same way Octavia did. Clarke rolled her eyes, sighing a bit. Of course it would come to this, she should have known from the moment the girls got home drunk last night.

"Okay... You two stay there and I'll bring you some breakfast and aspirin..."

"Yaay! Mommy Clarke strikes again!" Octavia celebrated, somewhat mockingly, but also thankful.

 

Upon leaving the room, Clarke could notice that the house was surprisingly quiet, which wasn’t unusual for a Sunday, but strange, nonetheless. She was used to the sound and motion of the TV, always on in the living room. Some conversation in the kitchen, that could be heard as you approached it, and of course, her friends always chatting to one another.

But right now, neither of those could be heard. Just the gurgling of the coffee machine, her own steps, and the sound of something toasting. The scent that came from the kitchen was incredible, though. Fresh and warm, easily luring her into it.

Lexa worked silently on those pancakes, comfortably. Her face didn’t have its usual rigid expression, her jaw was more loosened, her shoulders not as tense as usual and even her posture seemed a little more relaxed. It was a vision she had taken a first glimpse on last night, of who Lexa could be when not faced with her grief and loneliness and Clarke was finding out she was quite fond of such vision.

“Lexa?” She called gently, trying not to startle the other, even though the sudden sound of her voice still made her shiver a bit. It was almost unnoticeable, but she didn’t seem to appreciate how the silence was broken out of nowhere.

“Good morning, Clarke.” She answered, and although Clarke expected for a glimpse of a smile, she did not give her that.

“Can I have some of those?” In response, Lexa nodded, splitting a stack for the other. They looked just as good as they smelled, smooth and perfectly shaped, which made Clarke twice as hungry.

“Syrup?” Lexa questioned. Clarke acquiesced in response, watching the other drop some of it on the pancakes, hypnotized, almost as if it was porn. “Coffee or latte?” Asked the green-eyed girl, getting a mug

“Coffee. And it’s okay, you don’t have to serve me…”

“Take it as a thank you.” Lexa answered as she put the mug in front of the younger girl. “For yesterday, you really didn’t have to--“

“I just wanted to make sure Ontari wouldn’t mess with you…” Clarke explained. “Plus, we had some fun, didn’t we?” Her tone was soft as she looked up at the other girl with a little smile. Lexa didn’t hold the glance, however, looking down and nodding.

She finally gave Clarke that glimpse of a smile, though.

One thing that the artist couldn’t help but notice was that Lexa was dressed in gym pants and a sweatshirt, her hair pulled up as if she was ready to jog at any moment.

“Interesting outfit choice...” She stated, smiling a little. Lexa’s face shifted into confusion, as if she was unsure if Clarke was mocking her or not.

“I… I like to workout in the morning… Keeps my head head distracted and--” Clarke raised her hand.

“Hey, don’t worry, you don’t have to explain anything to me. I admire people who exercise that often, really… The best I can do is watch TV with my gym clothes on, to feel more active...” She stated, chuckling out of her own joke. Which made her feel like the lamest person ever, but hopefully, Lexa did not feel the same way.

No, instead, she laughed a little herself. It was short and simple, but it was still enough to charm the other for a second.

“Right… But if you wanna come as well, we can go slow.” Lexa suggested, smiling a little. It was an almost odd suggestion right after Clarke had stated she was bad at exercising, but still impossible to deny.

“Okay… I can give it a try...”

****

Turned out jogging was not as easy as one might expect. Clarke thought she would be able to follow up to Lexa’s rhythm, but the other girl was surprisingly fit and great at it. She kept perfect control of her breath, as her ponytail bounced side to side. It wasn’t fair that she looked so pretty while running, while the Clarke herself felt as if her chest was about to fall off of her ribcage, and also, tried to avoid thinking of how silly and clumsy she probably looked like.

Lexa started slowing down, until she stopped, staring at Clarke, who had to lean against a wall and take her breath. She couldn’t help but chuckle at how that little run had already tired the girl that much.

“Do you need help?” The older girl asked, smiling a little to which the other chuckled in response, looking up at her.

“That obvious, huh?”

“Well, you’re not used to it, it’s only to be expected...” Clarke’s face shifted into a lighter expression. She expected some teasing or even mocking, but Lexa seemed to prefer not to do that, which she was thankful for. Her lack of abilty was kind of humiliating.

“Right.. Can you help me?” Asked Clarke, staring up at the other as if she was a puppy. With a nod, Lexa approached, placing a hand over her belly and the other on her back, setting her spine into place gently.

“Here… It’s way easier if you have posture...”

“Oh, I’m an artist. I spend a lot of time leaning forward!” Clarke joked, but she didn’t get any laughs out of the other this time, but a look of disapproval, almost intimidating, instead. “Sorry, that was lame...”

“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke.” Answered the other, keeping a straight face. Clarke chuckled a bit, amazed by that choice of words coming from someone that young. Everyone their age was usually way more loosened.

  
But then, again, Lexa wasn’t everyone.

  
* * * * *

  
Sports were a pleasant surprise in Lexa’s early life. Physical education class had been her favorite for years and the only one she didn’t fee anxious about, since she was actually good at it. Having that in mind, her mother enrolled Lexa in every class she could afford. And some she couldn’t too.  
  
She had tried a very wide variety of sports; from common and popular ones like swimming, volley and football, going through gymnastics and figure skating, to finally land on her favorite: fencing. It was clear from the start that team sports weren’t really her thing, so Elizabeth Woodson quickly transitioned her to individual sports. It wasn’t exactly a cheap pastime, but it made her daughter visibly happier and she was actually good at it. Being so, she didn’t mind working extra hours and double shifts, as long as Lexa had whatever it was she needed to have a smile on her face.   
  
Not being able to do what she liked was the hardest thing since her mother passed. No amount of therapy would be able to get her feeling as good as Lexa felt when she trained hard and brought her body to exhaustion, so that morning she decided to finally take her sneakers out of the closet.  
  
Having company to jog was very different. Not bad, just different. Clarke had a hard time through most of it, but she didn’t complain at all. She actually got a little better after Lexa helped her with her posture and arms positioning, but her lack of training was very evident.  
  
By the time they got home, the living room was full. Fuller than usual. Apart from the usual habitants and staff, there were even more people. People she judged to be family and friends of the other girls.  
  
“Oh my god! Do my eyes fool me or do I actually see Clarke in workout clothes?!” Octavia mocked as soon as the girls walked through the door.

“Did you just go jogging?” Raven asked in disbelief, taking a sip of her coffee with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Clarke threw herself in the couch between her friends, panting heavily.  
  
“No, Lexa jogged. I struggled.”  
  
“That explains a lot….” Raven commented as she pet Clarke’s head.  
  
“What is going on?” Asked Lexa, looking around visibly confused.  
  
“It’s kind of a family day…” The latina explained. “Sometimes the girls come home early and the family comes with food and they stay around for a while.”  
  
“You join us stray dogs if you want….”  O stated with a quick shrug.  
  
Lexa nodded, smiling a little.  
  
“I’ll just go take a shower first!”  
  
***

After a long and well deserved shower, Lexa changed clothes and headed downstairs, her hair in a wild mess of wet curls.  
  
“I’m starving…” Was the first thing she said as soon as she got downstairs, as it was hard for her to ignore the smell of spicy food that filled the air.  
  
“Someone brought Fajitas!” O said between bites.  
  
Clarke promptly jumped from the couch, ready to go make herself a plate.  
  
“Oh, I love Mexican Food!”  
  
“Oh, please! That’s Tex-Mex!” Disdain was clear in Raven's tone as she rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t know true Mexican food even if it was right in front of your face!”  
  
“Then cook it for us, Oh Great Poobah of the Mexican cuisine”  
  
“Excuse me, I’m not going to serve as a reinforcement of the stereotype that my people are made for domestic duties.”  
  
“Raven, you were born in the USA…” Octavia noted, raising her eyebrows.  
  
“Excuse me, I’m still Latina and I’m really happy with my chores. I’m not about to go taking any extra”  
  
Lexa watched them in amusement while she made herself a plate of leftovers from the fridge. Spicy food had never been her favorite and she was not exactly open to a change of heart.  
  
“We should do a Mexican cookout in my place, though….” Clarke suggested, smiling widely. “Just for us, maybe my mom if she’s home too…”  
  
“Well, that I can work with….” She agreed. “But if I’m cooking, I’m not doing the dishes.”  
  
“Stop complaining about everything, Raven! You know we have a dishwasher!”  
  
“Yeah, this place could use one too…” O joked, chuckling a bit.  
  
Lexa watched the girls in silence, amazed by how their friendship worked. She had never been great at it, to be completely honest. In addition, people never really had an interest on her, so she was never that interested in having friends. Until then.  
  
The three girls made friendship look simple. Easy, even. Like one Physics teacher Lexa had once that made the subject almost likeable, but she never made it too far past the bearable line.

“Lexa, you should come too!” Clarke said, pulling her head away from her thoughts.  
  
“The only place you two are going is my office. Now.” Erin's voice interrupted the two girls. The little woman suddenly appearing in front of them, staring at them fiercely.  
  
“Right, let’s go…” Clarke stated as she got up and headed to the carer's office, followed by Lexa.  
  
“Why on earth did you two think it was okay to go out?” She inquired the girls as soon as they got in. However, her very mad eyes were focused on Clarke. “Lexa lost her privileges!”  
  
“I’m sorry… I didn’t know exercising was a part of it…” Started the older girl, biting her lower lip, her hands automatically going to the hem of her shirt to play with it.  
  
“It’s my fault…” Clarke intervened. “I shouldn’t have let her go. I knew she shouldn’t leave the house.  
  
Erin was way too scary for someone that short. She was a little over 5 feet tall, but she made Lexa feel like a little kid. She had an authority atmosphere that was impossible to deny. Some of the girls in the group home were there as part of their probation for some small crime and they would still obey her without a hint of defiance. By the end, she let the girls go with just a warning. Lexa for going out without permission and Clarke not only for failing to stop her, but also for encouraging it and coming with.

“I’m sorry I got you lectured….” Lexa said, once they were free to go.

“Oh, don’t worry! It’s fine! And it was kind of my fault… I mean, like she said, I encouraged you….”  
  
“Yeah, about that… Thank you. I needed that jog…”  
   
“Well, I’m glad to know it helped, even if I was there holding you back.”  
  
Lexa let out a small giggle. Just that was enough to bring her a light, relieving feeling. Only then she noticed how long it had been since she last laughed.

“It’s fine… You are not that bad…”  
  
“Yes, I am and I’m aware of it!” Clarke said in between laughter before continuing. “But you should come to the Mexican food night! Raven is actually pretty good when she decides to cook!”  
  
Lexa giggled once more.  
  
“Okay. I will.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naming this chapter was so hard! Both of us listen to the same handful of bands, so I had to dig deep into my crush on Shirley Manson to find it!  
> Hope you liked it! We love reading and replying to your comments and kudos are always welcome! 
> 
> Catch up with us on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl!


	5. Friends (pt 1)

_"Here I am again, trading in a group of friends to hopefully make amends with everything I've done wrong"_   
_Friends - City and Colour_   
  


* * *

 

  
The week went by smoothly, but except from the aggressive side-glances from Ontari, nothing that would pull Lexa out of her calm and poised self, occurred. On Friday, Raven and Octavia borrowed Clarke’s car so they could go to the supermarket and buy everything they needed for the latina to cook the next day.  
  
“How many people are we feeding? A whole army?”  Clarke asked as she noticed the amount of bags they were taking out of the car in the next morning.  
  
“Three of us and a very hungry Octavia!” Raven replied with a chuckle, getting some of the less heavy bags.  
  
“Hey! I don’t eat that much!”  
  
“Yes! Yes, you do!” Her friend replied, getting into Clarke’s house followed by the others.  
  
As soon as she got in, Lexa noticed how open and illuminated Clarke’s house was.  From the front porch, she could see all the way to the kitchen and the backyard through sliding glass doors. Her entire life she had lived in the same small house and she never really noticed how tiny it actually was before she was face to face with that enormous open concept living room. In fact, she was almost sure she could fit the entire first floor of her house just in that single room.

The house Lexa lived for the first 17 years of her life was the first house her parents ever purchased. It had been the first and only house they bought after their wedding, half of it being a wedding gift from their parents, because any other way, they wouldn’t be able to afford it and after Lexa’s father left, her mom was left to pay for the entirety of the property by herself.

The house was rather small and was made solely of a living room, kitchen, two bedrooms and a bathroom, but it was in a nice neighborhood and for a family of three that had no intention of growing even more, it suited them just fine.  
  
“There’s more bags in the car!”  
  
Octavia’s voice pulled her out of the out of her thoughts, only for Lexa to realize she was still standing in the front porch. She got in, joining Raven and Octavia in the kitchen, placing the heavy bags on the counter.  
  
“I know, this house makes everything you’ve been in seem small,” Raven commented, starting to get the stuff out of the bags and place them on the counter.  
  
“Now you see why we call her Princess!” Replied O, chuckling a bit, walking by her to get what was still left in the car.  
  
“I suppose so….” She answered, following the other outside.  
  
Lexa never really gave much thought about that exact subject before Octavia brought that up. Clarke drove a new car that there was no way a teen like her would be able to afford, mostly because her work was voluntary. She also wore nice clothes, while Lexa had been wearing the same old boots for ages. Not that it mattered, though, since it was her favorite pair of shoes and she would wear them until there was no salvation anymore to only then get a new pair, exactly like the ones before.

However, in a way, Lexa couldn’t help but to feel rather jealous of her. Not for living in a nice house or driving a brand new shining car, since she never really cared about those things, there had been a lot of love in her house and she wouldn’t trade it for anything else. Still, she wondered that maybe, just maybe, if they didn’t struggle so much with money, maybe her mother wouldn’t have to work so much to give her what she needed and perhaps would still be alive.  
  
Once they were finally done with the bags, Clarke turned to the girl with a smile.

“Come; let me show you the rest of the house!  
  
She guided her around the place, showing her every single room in it and they all seemed a little excessive. Lexa couldn’t really understand why someone would need a living room and a TV room and a dining room, all three completely independent. She counted at least two bathrooms and three bedrooms, including one for guests, passing through her parents' and ending on her own.  
  
“Sorry about the mess!” Clarke apologized as she started gathering some papers from her desk and shove them in the drawers, doing the same with some pencils afterwards.

If that was the only problem with the room, Lexa would be okay with it, but it clearly was not. The girl’s bed was unmade, books were piling up beside the bed and on top of the desk. Plus, she was pretty sure there was stuff like coloring pencils and paintbrushes in every corner of the room, not to mention the huge pile of clothes on top of a chair that she wasn’t sure if they were dirty or clean.  
  
“I don’t really stay here a lot…” Clarke explained, shrugging her shoulder. Lexa was never really good at reading people, but that time she was sure there wasn’t any trace of an apologetic expression on her friend's face.  
  
“We have a guest room, like you saw;” She kept on. “But Rae and O normally sleep here, so you can out your bags with theirs if you wanna.”

Lexa nodded, dropping her bag on the floor with the other two, curbing her need to start organizing every little thing in Clarke’s room. She never really understood how people could actually live in messy places to begin with. Lexa was a creature of habit, so she liked all of her stuff organized in a particular manner and every time she got something from its designated spot, she would put it back right after she was done using said thing.

“Come, I wanna show you something….”  
  
Lexa nodded, letting Clarke hold her by the wrist and guide her outside of the room and up and very narrow flight of stairs.

The attic was huge and, much to her surprise, fairly organized. There were paints in containers labeled such as “watercolor” and “acrylics”, brushes were propped up in jars, blocks of paper lined up in shelves and new canvasses leaning against a wall, ready to be used. A huge window allowed light to flow into the space and on each side of it, two small stained glass pieces that made colored lights dance on the floor.

On the walls, there were several paintings and drawings of all kinds and Medias. Landscapes painted in oils, flowers and botanic motifs in colored pencils and drawings in charcoal, which immediately called Lexa’s eyes. Most of those were of Raven and Octavia making funny faces.  
  
“They help me with studying expressions and I have to say they are better than any book!”  
  
Lexa giggled a bit, approaching the drawing to take a closer look. Clarke’s talent was undeniable and quite impressive. Apart from Raven and O’s drawings, there were two more of people she was yet to met.

“Are those your parents?”  
  
“Yeah, my mom and…” Clarke’s expression shifted, something close to sadness replacing her relaxed, slightly happy expression. “My dad… He passed away almost an year ago…”  
  
Lexa immediately felt sorry for asking it, even if there was no way she could have seen it coming. There were only the four of them in the house and no other car in the garage, so she just assumed they were out and should be there soon.  
  
Even if people’s interaction were never really Lexa’s strong suit, she immediately recognized the feeling that took over her to be empathy. She knew how hard it was to lose a parent or someone you love; she knew how the pain split the ground right beneath her feet and swallowed her whole. She knew that feeling way too well.  
  
“I’m really sorry…” She said, taking Clarke’s hand and squeezing it a bit, forcing herself to meet her eyes. “I know how hard it is…”

“Thank you….” Clarke smiled a bit, squeezing Lexa’s hand as well. Lexa doubted there was anything she could actually say to make it better, but empathy could be a powerful thing and she was not one to take it from granted.

“Hey, let me show you something!” Clarke smiled a bit more, pulling her to another corner of the room by the hand she was still holding. “I have been practising flowers since that day, but I’m not sure I got much better!”  
  
Lexa chuckled a bit. She had definitely improved from the last time she saw Clarke’s painting. It was not only because those seemed to be finished drawings instead of the practice ones she had seen on her sketchbook, but those ones had a lot more attention to detail, the lines were more confident and the coloring made a huge difference.  
  
“Oh, those are great!”  
  
“Thank you!” Clarke smiled widely, squeezing a hand that Lexa didn’t realize she was still holding.  
  
“You’re welcome…” She smiled back, turning from the drawings to her friend.  
  
Clarke looked at her with such intensity that made it made Lexa slightly uncomfortable, but she couldn’t help but to notice how blue her eyes actually were and they did remind her of clear skies on a hot summer day. Lexa, unable to withstand the gaze for much longer, looked down. Clarke squeezed her hand one more time, pulling her closer. It took a moment for Lexa to realize what was the other girl intention and she was not exactly sure if she wanted it or not, since she couldn’t bring herself to actually move, but her heart was definitely racing.  
  
“Hey!” Octavia’s voice came from the bottom of the stairs, but from the sound of the footsteps; she judged that she was indeed coming to the attic. “Are you two going to be playing house or help Raven in the kitchen? She’s starting to get on my nerves!”

****  
  
Focusing on helping Raven in the kitchen got a little hard for Clarke after what had just happened-or almost happened- upstairs. Firstly, her mind kept playing with dozens of scenarios of what might happen if Octavia had not entered the room. Secondly because if something did happen, then what would she do? She wasn’t supposed to have any intimate relationship with the people who resided in the group home. She didn’t even know if Lexa would have that kind of interest on her. And last, but not least, there was Finn, and while what they had was far from anything serious, it felt wrong to go around kissing pretty girls without at least talking to him first.

Not that she would do that. As much as Clarke enjoyed flirting and being with people, she had never been one to cheat, neither she felt like starting now. There was just something which she saw in Lexa at that brief moment that completely clouded her mind to anything else outside that attic, as if there was nothing else but the two of them and that moment.

But now that the moment was gone, neither she or Lexa were saying anything, each lost in their own thoughts and, _hell,_ Clarke would pay as much as needed to know what was going on inside her friend’s head.

“Do you really need all this concentration to mix some hot sauce?!” Raven’s voice startled Clarke enough for her to let out a little gasp of surprise once the latina brought her back from space. The artist shook her head in response, forcing a little laugh.

“Sorry, I was a little out!” She apologize, unable to think of any excuses. Raven replied with a grin, making the other get herself mentally prepared for the type of comment that was about to come out of her friend’s mouth.

“You didn’t even drink yet, princess! Unless...” She took a look at Lexa, who was on the other side of the kitchen, working silently on her taco dough while Octavia babbled about sports, Lexa being her new favorite person to talk about it. “You’re drunk in a different way...” Teased the latina, in a lower voice.

“Shut up. If you’re asking, nothing happened upstairs...” She tried her best not to make a big deal out of it, shrugging, keeping a straight face, but Raven didn’t easily fall for it.

“Ha! But I bet you wish it did, huh?” She poked Clarke with her elbows. The artist could feel her damn cheeks getting warm, cursing herself mentally for it. “I knew it!”

“There is nothing to ‘know’, Raven.” She talked, making quoting marks with her fingers. “Lexa is a resident, I’m a volunteer, we’re friends and nothing else.”

“Right. Of course. Why don’t you go help your friend with the taco shells while I keep an eye on Octavia, _I can see her snacking from here!”_ Raven made sure she finished that sentence in a louder tone, making Octavia let go of the nacho she was chewing on.

Clarke exchanged places with the girl, standing awkwardly beside Lexa, throwing a glance at the latina for making her do that, which was received by nothing but a shrug and a smirk. Sometimes, she truly hated her best friend.

“So… How can I help?” She questioned Lexa, doing her best to ignore the tingling sensation that still resided inside her when she was close to her.

“Well, since Rae is cooking the dough all we have to do is shape it...” Lexa explained, getting a certain quantity of it to shape, since the dough had already been rolled open. “It’s not hard...” She started shaping it, showing Clarke how to do. The artist bit her lower lip, definitely _not_ thinking of how soft Lexa’s hands seemed to be or how pretty the color of her skin was.

No, no, no. She could _not_ allow herself to go down that road. There was no way to deny how attractive Lexa was. And to make it worse, that attraction was not  _only_ physical. But at that moment, the girl definitely needed a friend way more than something else. It would be wrong to act on it.

She was almost happy that Octavia got into the attic.

_Almost._

“Clarke, did you understand how to do it?” Lexa’s question made the artist realize she had been so focused on watching the way Lexa’s hands moved. She didn’t hear a word the girl had said, or paid attention on what she was actually doing.

“Uhn... Sure.”

Clarke was _so_ screwed.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got REALLY long and there's a lot happening in it, so we decided to split it into two parts. Next one will be posted next Friday, like our usual posting schedule.
> 
> Hope you liked reading it!   
> Comments and kudos fill our little writer hearts with joy.  
> Catch up with us on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl ^^


	6. Friends (pt 2)

_"A last ditch effort, to find something better and leave well enough alone."_  
                                                                           _Friends-  City an Colour_  


* * *

They had spent most of their day in the kitchen, making the food for the party later. The entire house smelled of hot spicy food, which was not Lexa’s favorite, but it wasn’t enough to bother her. Upon her request and much to Raven’s disappointed, she agreed to keep the pepper and spices of the Mexican dishes on the milder side.  
  
After so long standing up, all of them were glad they had some time to sit and rest while they took turns using the bathroom. Raven was the first one to shower, using her leg as an excuse to cut the line. Raven would use her leg as an excuse every chance she could, explaining that at least some benefit her leg being crushed between the dashboard in a car accident should bring. It wasn’t exactly like she needed that excuse with them, but since she was the one who had been responsible for the majority of the cooking, it seemed only fair.

Lexa went right after, taking a fair amount of time to wash her incredibly voluminous hair. She never really understood why people felt the need to tame and straight curly hair and from a young age, her mother had taught her to embrace the things that made her unique.

She headed back to the room after a while, Octavia running to get the bathroom before Clarke had a chance to protest, causing Lexa to laugh slightly. The artist herself was busy doing Raven’s make up and Lexa couldn’t help but watch in awe. She wasn’t bad herself, she would mostly stick to the same eyeliner trick that never failed her, but she had to admit that Clarke’s drawing and painting skills surely influenced her make up ones.

“Do you want Clarke’s magical painter hands to do your make up too?” Raven asked Lexa, with a soft chuckle.

“Oh, no, I’m good!” She chuckled as well. “Plus, having someone else’s hands on your face like that is something awfully intimate.” They all laughed this time, Lexa getting a brush to section her hair and start the combing marathon before she could arrange it in some kind of intricate braided style.

“Oh, I want braids too!” Octavia said, as she shamelessly got dressed in front of the girls making Lexa look away in discomfort. “And I want Clarke to do my make up too!”

“Can’t you do anything on your own?!” Raven inquired with a soft laugh.

“Well, I most definitely can, but if I do, I’m gonna look like a highland cow in war paint!”

The room broke in laughter. Clarke finished with Raven before she headed to her bathroom, leaving Lexa to braid Octavia’s hair meanwhile.

“You are so good with it!” O stated in awe, looking at her faux Mohawk in the mirror. “How do you even learn stuff like that?!”

“Well, you pick up a thing on two when your hair has its own free will!”

* * * * *  
  
Clarke’s mother wasn’t really fond of the idea of supplying drinks for underaged teenagers, but after a very convincing argument of her daughter, saying it was better for them to drink in a controlled environment with adult supervision, she eventually gave in but supplied only beer.

“Can we start eating or do we have to wait for the boys?” O asked, clearly uneasy on her kitchen stool. “I’m hungry!”

“Boys?” Lexa questioned, certainly uncomfortable. “I thought it was gonna be only us…”

“Oh! Lincoln texted me today and asked what we were doing and I invited him and Finn!”

Lexa tried to hide her discomfort, but she was sure it was showing through. She jumped on her seat when the doorbell rang, that being on the close top of the list of things she hated, along with when people suddenly changed plans or invited extra people to events without prior notification, especially people she didn’t know yet. She found a lock of her hair, twisting it nervously between her fingers.  
  
“Oh, they are here! You don’t have to wait anymore!” Clarke joked, before going to open the door.

She came back accompanied by two guys. One was fairly average looking and judging by how he acted towards Clarke, she judged him to be Finn. Octavia jumped from her seat, throwing her arms around the taller of the pair, who, unlike his friend looked anything but ordinary by most woman’s standards. It was not as if he didn’t meet Lexa’s standards of beauty, since she preferred, well, females, but he looked a bit too familiar for her taste.

“Look, we have matching hairstyles!” Octavia proudly pointed to her hairdo, bouncing up and down in excitement.

“I can see that!” He chuckled, running his hands through his very short Mohawk.

“Lexa did it!”

“Lexa?” He seemed very startled by the name, looking over Octavia’s shoulder to find her awkwardly siting on her breakfast stool, still playing with the tips of her hair. “I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“You two know each other?!” Raven asked, quite confused by the situation.

“Yeah, we are cousins…” Lincoln responded, taking a step closer to her. Unlike him, the girl would’ve taken a step back if she wasn’t sitting.

“Distant cousins…” She added, her jaw clenched so tight it made her teeth hurt from the pressure.

“Yeah, this is all amazing, but can we talk about this while we eat?!” O interrupted, rolling her eyes.

“Oh, Octavia! Always so sensitive!” Raven joked, guiding them to where the food was stationed.

While they filled their plates with traditional Mexican food, the tension that lingered in the air was almost touchable. They gathered on the patio chairs, plates on their laps and Octavia already stuffing herself.  
  
“So, is someone going to explain to me how you two are related or I’m going to have to guess?” Raven broke the silence, taking a bite of her corn on the cob.

“We are distant cousins… I haven’t seen her in so many years!” He explained, feeding himself as well.

“Twelve. It has been twelve years since my parents got a divorce, since the rest of my family shunned us out and conveniently, twelve years since my mother got me diagnosed.” Lexa added bitterly.

“Diagnosed?!” Clarke’s forehead had deep wrinkles from her frown. “What kind of diagnosis?!”  
“I’m autistic.”

If there was any reaction or commotion between the group of friends, Lexa didn’t catch, keeping on.

“I was diagnosed when I was five. I was non-verbal as a kid and everyone in the family, including my father didn’t wait a single minute before labeling a child weird just because she didn’t talk. My mom thought to get me diagnosed as soon as she got it, my father didn’t wait to leave and the rest of the family gave us the stinky eye and didn’t exactly kept they comments quiet, so, my mother cut relations.”

“I’m sorry…” Lincoln apologized, clearly ashamed. “But I was just as much of a kid as you. I didn’t understand what was going on, just that suddenly, we weren’t allowed to play together anymore…”

Lexa softened her expression a bit. It wasn’t indeed his fault. It was no one’s fault, but she couldn’t help but resent her family for how they acted towards her. It was the way people acted towards her for her entire life as soon as they found out about her disorder and when they didn’t, she would still be called weird, so she made the choice of not having people around her at all.  
  
  
****

Once they were done with eating, the party was moved to the backyard. They had an outside table, which was usually used when the Griffins would have barbeques, something that hadn’t happened ever since Jake was gone. It felt almost weird for Clarke to be outside partying, sitting on those tables, listening to the sound of laughter in that particular part of the house. Sundays were the days that were usually reserved for that. Raven and Octavia were invited for it as well, and would sometimes be with them for those. Jake loved when all of the girls were there, always treating them extremely kindly, even protectively, as if they were a little bit his as well. They would spend the whole day there, barbequing, doing nothing but enjoying the company of one another and eventually, lunch would also become dinner, and Clarke could swear she had never been more happy.  
  
Sitting on her own for a moment, watching as Raven and the boys set the radio up for them outside, she could almost hear his voice, feel his hand messing up her hair as if she was five; something she would always complain about, but hell, she would give everything to be able to get annoyed with him by that right now.  
  
“You look like you need a drink.” Octavia’s voice got Clarke out of her thoughts, and only then the girl could feel her eyes were burning as if she had been holding a few tears back. She shook her head, looking up at the other, who stood in front of her with an open bottle of beer. With a short chuckle, she got the bottle, taking a generous sip.

“I miss him too...” O stated, rubbing her friend’s back softly. “He always made us feel like we were family...” She said softly, taking her hand back to her own lap and sighing a bit. Clarke glanced at her sideways, placing a hand over hers, caressing it softly with her thumb.  
  
“Because you are... You always have been...”  
  
“Hey! What’s with the cuddly party without me?!” Raven asked, interrupting the girl’s little moment, sitting right in the middle, so she could wrap her arms around each of them. Clarke chuckled a bit, squeezing her hand and giving a little peck on it.  
  
“Well, you were too busy with the radio!” Octavia accused playfully.

“Which, by the way, is totally working!” Raven answered, turning to the boys. “Finn, turn that shit on!”  
  
“Yes, ma’am!” Said the boy, doing as she asked, the sound suddenly blasting all over the backyard. Lexa flinched, jumping like a scared cat and taking her hands to cover her ears for a moment, before she got used to the sudden sensation of loud noise.  
  
“Now, I don’t wanna see no more booboo faces. Grab your boyfriends and let’s dance!” Raven said as she got up once again. Clarke laughed, taking another long sip of her beer, before following her friend.

She walked towards the boy, pulling him by the waist and taking him to the middle of the yard so that they could dance. Octavia did the same with Lincoln, while Raven danced by herself and Lexa watched them from afar, a frown between her eyebrows.  
  
“And what about you? Don’t you dance?” Raven approached her, noticing she was standing on her own, instead of joining them.

“I... Not really.” Answered Lexa, shrugging some, serving herself of some beer.

“Oh, but she drinks!” She mocked, chuckling a bit.

“She does!” Upon saying that, Lexa drank some of her beer, straight from the bottle just like the rest of them.

“And she knows how to drink!” Raven joked, offering her own bottle for the other girl to toast. “By the way, just so you know. Clarke and Finn? Not that serious...” She warned, winking at the other, before going to join the dancing crew again.

It wasn’t what it looked like, though.

Clarke danced close to Finn, moving her hips and caressing his arms up and down. She was somewhat thankful Abby had not joined them outside, since dancing with her “friend” -she still didn’t like using the word boyfriend to refer to him, they had no strings attached- that way, slightly tipsy, was not something she would wish for her mother to see. Plus, she wasn’t sure if she would go as far as let her hand slide to his bum every so often and squeeze it if Abby was there watching them. But she wasn’t and Clarke was free to touch her boy wherever she pleased.  
  
“You’re such a tease, princess...” He said close to her ear, pulling her more to him. Clarke chuckled, taking her lips to peck his neck.  
  
She smirked making a way with up the kisses, stopping when she was close to his ear so that she could whisper as well. “Now if you excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom...” With a peck, she let go of him, chuckling to herself and heading towards the door to enter the house.  
  
She didn’t intend to stop midway, but when her eyes met Lexa standing on her own, close to the doorjamb looking like a lost puppy, she couldn’t stop herself from doing so.  
  
“Hey, are you okay?” Clarke asked, rubbing her hand on Lexa’s arm. In her drunk state, Finn wasn’t the only one she lost some touch boundaries with. Normally, she would hesitate before touching Lexa like that, but she had hardly noticed or stopped to think of it at that moment, and the other didn’t seem to mind either.  
  
“I’m great...” She answered, smiling a bit. Her tone sounded slightly different, almost as if she was mocking the other with that answer, however.  
  
“Right... Uhn, I’m going to the bathroom, but I intend to get some more food for us on the way back, do you wanna help me?”  
  
“Sure...”

A few minutes later, Clarke called the other girl to help her in the kitchen.  
  
“I’ll heat this up again, can you get us more beer?” She asked the other as she gathered some of the food to heat up in the oven, since Raven would kill her if she dared to use the microwave for that.

“Sure!” Lexa answered, going to get the drinks for them, opening a bottle for herself and taking a sip. She seemed more relaxed now that it was just the two of them and they were apart from the music as well as the other people. Not only relaxed, Clarke noticed, perhaps even a little giggly.

“Lexa, how many beers did you have?” She questioned, laughing a bit herself. Suddenly, the idea of Lexa being tipsy sounding funnier than it should.

“I don’t know... A bottle or two?” She answered, twisting her lips and shrugging. “I guess I’m not as used to it as you guys are...”

“Well, you will be when you spend enough time with us...” The younger girl stated, getting a bit close to the other, who was leaning against the counter, before taking a sip of her drink. In response, Lexa chuckled, rolling her eyes.

“I don’t think that’s gonna happen, princess...” She teased, taking a sip of her own drink as well, only then noticing how close she and Clarke were, and how their bodies brushed against one another.

“Oooh... _Et tu, Brute?_ ” Asked Clarke, looking up into Lexa’s eyes. Normally, the other wouldn’t hold the glance, but she seemed to force herself to do so, smiling a little.

“Are you trying to impress me with that Latin?” The other teased, raising her eyebrows. Clarke twisted her lips,shrugging with a grin.

“I don’t know. ” She asked softly, coming closer to Lexa, placing her hands around the other girl, the grin never leaving her face. “Is it working?” Her tone was low, almost inaudible, but it was still enough to send shivers down Lexa’s spine.  
  
“Maybe...” The older girl placed her bottle on the counter, allowing her hands to rest on Clarke’s waist. “Can you say anything else?” She challenged, smirking a bit.

“Uhn, not really...” The girl shrugged, before leaning closer to Lexa, letting herself break the glance to look down at her lips, before looking back up into her eyes. “But do we really have to talk?”

That was mad impulsive of Clarke and she was aware of that. Somewhere, deep inside her head, that part of her that used to be responsible when there was no alcohol involved was screaming about how wrong that was for all the possible reasons. For Finn being right there outside -even if what they had was nothing serious-, for Lexa being a resident while she was a volunteer, for their friendship that was still in a blossoming phase, for how they were interrupted earlier and probably for some cosmic reason. It was wrong.

But still, as soon as Lexa did nothing but answer in response, she closed the gap between their lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the Flarke, it was a necessary evil, I guess the end of the chapter makes up for it? ;)
> 
> Comments and kudos are deeply appreciated and they always make our day <3  
> As always, you can reach us on tumblr through the-impossiblegrl and gracefullycurrsed.


	7. Natural Disaster

_"Cracks are running down the walls w_ _here picture frames used to hang.  
__A hint of heartbreak still lingers in the air a_ _nd weeds have choked the breath out of it long ago"_  
                                                                                            _Natural Disaster - City and Colour_

* * *

  
  
It had been two weeks since the party at Clarke's place and Lexa and herself had barely ever shared a conversation. She didn’t know if she should think it was because of the kiss or not, since Lexa was usually very quiet and reserved, but it was still impossible to shake the feeling that she was being at least a little ignored by her friend and she couldn’t help but blame herself for that. Had she been sober, smarter, less impulsive, she wouldn’t let that happen. She had told herself Lexa needed a friend way more than something else; especially something that could go so wrong. She had promised herself to be that friend for her, and easily, way too easily, might one say, she failed. Now all that was left was feeling mad and disappointed at herself.  
  
She also blamed herself for ruining things with Finn. They were never that serious to begin with, but it didn’t mean that being caught kissing someone else by the boy ended up well. They had a fight right then and there, which resulted in Finn leaving the party and her life. Lexa did nothing but apologize and spend the rest of the night quiet. She ended up choosing to sleep in the guest room, and Clarke started to wonder if that was the beginning of the end. The end of something that never was.  
  
Ever since then, it felt like they were back to the start, as if Lexa was once again someone she had just met. They didn’t exchange many more words apart from the basics and the older girl would mostly keep herself quiet during Group Therapy, something Erin had learned to respect and accept.

It wasn’t as if Clarke wasn’t trying. She had apologized, she had tried to call Lexa to play games with her and her friends again. Lexa had even refused an invitation to eat pizza, which was very out of character for her, and didn’t exactly help with Clarke’s self-blaming at all. She had lost a friend, but she was too stubborn and proud to admit that.

It shouldn’t bother her that much. She didn’t even know why it did. She was easily pretty good with letting people go: as long as she had Raven and O; friends, crushes, boyfriends and girlfriends could come and go that she would always be able to move on pretty fast.

However, with Lexa, that simply didn’t happen. It had been two weeks and she still kept trying to make herself understand just why she had been so stupid to let that girl go. To force something that shouldn’t have happened. Moreover, the worst of all was that as much as she tried to convince herself that she was just sad about Lexa not wanting to be her friend anymore, she knew that deep down, being rejected by her hurt just as much, which to Clarke was very selfish. It was selfish to keep remembering how soft her lips were, or how she had tangled her fingers in Lexa’s beautiful curls while they kissed. Or how their bodies seemed to fit one another just right against the counter.  
  
It was just selfish.  
  
****  
  
During those weeks, unlike her usual, Clarke refused her friends’ invitations to go clubbing or to a bar, it seemed pointless to hook up with strangers when, despite not admitting out loud, she would be thinking about Lexa all the time, whether it about their kissing or how to fix their friendship. Or maybe about how as time passed, she not only seemed more distant from Clarke, but also from herself. Her eyes seemed to lose a bit of its color everyday, as well as her smile seemed to be getting smaller. And the artist couldn’t help but wonder if it had all been because of her.

All those negative sensations, thoughts and impressions had its advantage, however. They seemed to put Clarke’s muse on fire. The girl would spend practically every moment she was home locked in the attic. She had started working in a new piece; the kind she would only start painting after having at least two bottles of beer by herself. It didn’t have any background. Instead, the canvas was completely taken by the main features of a face, which had no lines to trace it. It was simply composed by the eyes, nose, a piece of the mouth and some skin color so it didn’t look as if the face was completely floating. The eyes were colored in green, but not a beautiful, alive tone. Instead, it was more of a dark, mushy shade. And the eyeballs seemed to glow a little, as if they were filled with tears.

Those tears did not fall, however. Instead, Clarke used dark pain to cover all around the eyes, almost like a mask. Then, on the tip of the eye, close to the nose, the pain would fall its way down, as if it those were tears falling. It took her a long time to finally reach the result she wanted for that piece, but once she was done, it looked so alive, it felt as if it was going to come out of the canvas at any moment. Clarke didn’t know how to name it, so she ended up calling it simply “ _Thirteen_ ”, for that had been the number of days that had passed ever since the infamous kiss.

  
****  
  
That didn’t relieve her, however. On opposite, it made her pay even more attention to Lexa, constantly comparing how her glance seemed to be getting even sadder than that one in the picture. She had also stopped talking completely, it wasn’t just with Clarke anymore, but even when Erin went to ask her for something, she would nod and even go as far as writing, instead of speaking to her.

It was enough to alert the woman as well, and she ended up asking Clarke to keep a close eye on Lexa and let her know if there was any sign that could mean she would try to hurt herself somehow. That thought had not occurred to the artist before, and suddenly, she was on red alert. She had to do something.

Clarke locked herself in the attic again that night, but instead of illustrating a canvas, she got a paper sheet. It wasn’t such a complicated work this time, but simply a flower, a chrysanthemum, that she painted with shades of blue. According to the site she had researched, it meant “trying to support a friend who is struggling”, and it was the best way she found to send that message to Lexa without forcing the girl to say anything she didn’t want to, or anything at all. Perhaps she would even get an answer like that, either through writing, texting or gestures, it didn’t matter, she just needed to know what was wrong. It couldn’t be _just_ about the kiss, could it?

****  
  
On the next day, she arrived to Polaris with a little bit of hope inside her chest. She went straight for Lexa’s room, knocking on the door and expecting for her to at least get it so that she could give her the drawing. However, no one picked up. Frowning a bit, Clarke knocked again, calling her name.  
  
“Lexa, please, just open...”  
  
No answer. She bit her lip, finding no other alternative, but to slip the drawing under her door.  
  
“What are you doing?” Clarke jumped, her heart almost stopping with the sound of a female voice that came out of nowhere, but gladly, she recognized it as Octavia’s. She got up, showing her friend the drawing.  
  
“I made this for Lexa to know that maybe we can talk… I need to know what is happening to her and between us, O...” She said quietly, even though her friend already knew what was happening to her. But instead of encouraging her to go on, or simply nodding, the other girl’s expression shifted into a mix between sadness and compassion. She caressed Clarke’s arm gently, rubbing it in circles.

“Clarke… Lexa is not here anymore...”

“What? What do you mean?”

“She ran away...” Clarke's eyes goggled wide and she bit her lip strongly enough to taste blood, running both hands on her hair and swallowing strongly.  
  
There was a basic rule when foster kids ran away from group homes like that one: they didn’t go after runaways.

  
* * * * *

Lexa couldn’t help but think she was cursed. Everyone she ever knew and loved in her life had left her.  
It started with her father. She was a bit too young to understand why he did, all she knew is that one day he was there and the next, he wasn’t anymore. Then, after her diagnosis, it was her entire family. They severed all contact with Lexa and her mother with no previous warning. Before she could realize, she had no friends, no family and no father. It was only her and her mother.

It had been like that for almost a decade, until she found a friend again. Or better: a friend found her.  
  
Lexa loved fencing classes and it was the place she felt most comfortable at apart from her own house. She actually loved getting in the uniform, and even if it was extremely hot inside it, she was really good at it. She had been practicing it for a few months and she already called the attention of some people there. The coach had offered her to have classes more times a week for the same price and it was not as if she could refuse it. And it was in fencing class that a friend actually found her way into her life.

Costia was the one to approach Lexa. She had a wide smile on her face and overall a really welcoming aura. Lexa would never be able to forget her first words.  
  
“I have been doing this for as long as I can remember and I’m not nearly as good as you are!”  
  
Even if subtle, the compliment startled her. She was not used to them and she didn’t really know how to react to it, so she just stood there, slightly confused, blinking a few times while she tried to figure out how to react to that. She ended up going for a shy “thank you” that made the girl giggle adorably. She ended up inviting Lexa for coffee and since her mother was at work, she accepted. Costia seemed to take a lot of interest in Lexa and that was new for her, maybe even slightly overwhelming, but nice nonetheless.  
  
It didn’t take long the friendship to develop into something more. Initially, Lexa was a bit confused about liking another girl and if she wasn’t just mixing up love and friendship, but she assured her that it wasn’t and after their first kiss, Lexa was sure as well.

It was sweet while it lasted, but soon enough, Costia left too, and in a rather brutal manner that devastated Lexa in ways unimaginable. She was her first friend, her first kiss, first girlfriend and first person Lexa ever had sex with. And then, she was the first funeral Lexa ever attended.  She wasn’t even able to see her one last time. Costia died inside her own house, after an electrical fire swallowed the place into flames and by the time they rushed the young girl into the hospital it was too late.

Her parents were out on a date when it happened, so Costia was alone at the accident. Losing their only child was such a traumatic experience that they left town as soon as they could, leaving everything behind; jobs, friends, family and whatever still stood from the house.

Lexa knew that leaving the house like that wasn’t a smart thing to do but the constant heartache pressing down on her chest wouldn’t let her breath right and the walls of the house felt like they were closing in on her, so she desperately needed to get out. Being the first one to wake, as per usual, so she busied herself on taking a shower and making breakfast before leaving. Normally, jogging would take her mind off whatever was bothering her, but she didn’t have the strength for exercise this time. The streets were still quite empty and the air was still chilly from the morning that didn’t fully come yet. Lexa wandered for a quite a while before she reached a place that was extremely familiar to her.

She watched the ruins of the burnt place in silence, the orange rays from the late sunshine making it look like it was being ignited all over again. She never imagined she could have much in common with a house, but she did.  They were both abandoned, left behind by the people who were supposed to care for them. She knew she wasn’t supposed to get in since the fire made the structure weak, but she couldn’t help herself.  It was weird to say the least. It didn’t seem like the same place it did back them.  
  
Lexa could still remember how her girlfriend’s parents were more than understanding and took her in without any questions. If she was good enough for Costia, she was good enough for them too. They trusted their daughter judgment.  She could still tell exactly where the dinner table was and where every portrait and painting would hang on the walls. She could still smell the coffee from the early mornings after she spent the night there when her mother was at work.  
  
But now it was nothing but burnt wood in a shape that once was home. Someone ended up boarding up the windows to keep people from coming in and that was what Lexa did too. She decided to close herself, not letting anyone in anymore, to keep herself from getting any more hurt before she ended up like a shadow of what she once was.   
  
If everyone she ever loved left, she was sure that soon enough, so would Clarke. She decided it was safer for both of them.  
  
It was the right thing to do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna have to be honest here: even if this chapter was a very angst filled chapter, it was my favorite to write so far! Also, we debated a lot and very strongly considered naming this entire work "Natural Disaster" instead! 
> 
> Hope you liked reading as much as we enjoying writing!  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated <3
> 
> You can yell at us on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl ^^


	8. Hiding

_"I know there's a part of you that I just cannot reach. Y_ _ou don't have to let me in, just know that I'm still here._  
_I'm ready for you whenever, whenever you need, w_ _henever you want to begin"_  
_Hiding -Florence + The Machine_  


* * *

  
Clarke had never been one to follow rules strictly. She tried, she really did, but when it started seeming senseless, she would find a way around whatever the issue was on her own way and it was one of the reasons she was never good with Math, Physics and subjects that required exact thinking. It was strict and it would always have one correct solution that needed to be achieved in an exact way. It was boring and senseless to Clarke. It wasn’t like Art; which gave her such an infinite number of possibilities and ways to express what she felt. And even though following the rules and applying logic would be what would keep her in that job, she couldn’t allow herself to do that. Not when it was about Lexa.

Clarke didn’t think about calling the police, however. She, instead, decided to try to find the girl on her own. It was extremely reckless, but she didn’t want to call attention to the fact she was going to look for her friend, so she simply told Erin that she was going to get some groceries for the house; a lie the woman easily believed since they were indeed lacking some stuff. Raven and Octavia knew what Clarke was up to and tried to warn her against it, but they both knew how impulsive their friend could be when she had her mind set on something.

She went by foot at first, deciding she would simply get a bus or an Uber in case it was needed. Lexa couldn’t be that far, could she? It wasn’t as if she had anywhere to go in first place.

Polaris was kind of isolated, so around them there weren't many places Lexa could have gone. There were some houses close by that Clarke decided to knock on to ask the residents if they had seen the girl, showing them a picture of what she looked like, but she had no success whatsoever. She moved on to the stores, a little further ahead, the bakery and the grocery store she could be at.

Nothing.

Fear started taking the best of her. She hated the idea of something bad happening to Lexa, but it was inevitable for her mind to wander and come up with all types of bad possibilities happening, even ridiculous, senseless scenarios, such as a very vivid image of Lexa being shot.

Those dark, horrible thoughts did something for Clarke’s determination, thought, and she promised herself she wouldn't stop until she was sure Lexa was safe.

She remembered Lexa telling her about how much she enjoyed her fencing classes, so maybe the fencing gym would be a good place to start. She decided to take a bus to head that way, paying close attention to everyone who would get into it, every glimpse of curly brown hair would set something off inside her, but it was never who she wished for. The hair was never crazy enough to be it.

She sat by the window, watching the street outside, letting her mind wander. She tried to retrace whatever could have been Lexa’s steps that morning. There were pancakes. Lexa had done the pancakes for breakfast, not escaping her habit. As much as she enjoyed routine, it seemed senseless to follow it when one was intending to run away.

That morning, Clarke had entered Lexa’s room as soon as Octavia told her that she was gone. Desperately, she looked for clues, but everything in its rightful place. Lexa didn’t take anything. No clothes, no toothbrush. Not even the shoes she would always wear to jog. And most importantly, the older girl didn’t take the picture of her mother. That one beautiful memory she had of someone she loved so much. And Clarke doubted she would run away without it.

****  
The fencing gym was probably not supposed to look as impressive as it did, but Clarke had never been in a place like that, so it felt pretty different from the normal, boring gym she was used to. The floor was covered by a beautiful, cream-colored wooden floor, which reflected the light coming from above and it was so clear Clarke could almost see herself. But what made it different from the usual was the fact that the wooden floor was covered by stripes of a silver colored tape, which didn’t reflect the light as much as the wooden one, but she liked the contrast. It seemed almost magical, eve if it was full of people. Or, perhaps, the room didn’t really have anything that different or amazing, but Lexa had talked so much about that place, Clarke could perfectly imagine the girl there, wearing the suit and wielding her saber like the badass she pictured her to be. The mental image made her smile.

But in the real world, there was no image of Lexa. At least not in person, but after inspecting the walls, Clarke noticed they had some pictures, mostly of students and teachers. Between them, there was one of Lexa, smiling in such a beautifully wide way, unlike Clarke had ever seen. She was with someone else in the picture, a girl she didn’t know, but who looked just as happy as Lexa herself.

“Excuse me, may I help you?” Clarke jumped with the sudden sounds of a feminine voice, turning to find a very fierce looking asian woman, staring at her as if she was not supposed to be there. It should be intimidating, but the artist was too focused on her personal mission to care.

“Uhn, yeah. I think so. I’m looking for Lexa, she didn’t come by, did she?” She pondered, biting her lower lip. The woman, who Clarke assumed was the coach, frowned, crossing her arms.

“No, she didn’t… There was no training session scheduled for her today… Is everything okay?” Her voice presented actual concern and it was a little relieving to know that she cared.

“I… I’m not sure. I couldn’t find her in the group home this morning and I can’t exactly call her since the girls are not allowed to have phones… You have no idea on where she could be, do you?”

The woman looked up with a thoughtful face.

“Not really… But please, take my number and if anything happens, give me a call.” Clarke nodded, exchanging numbers with the woman, before thanking her and heading out of the gym. It felt good to know she wasn’t the only one concerned about where Lexa could have gone. It made her a little relieved to know that someone else would be able to help. Being so, she decided to give in to the pleas of her stomach and take a break, finding a coffee house nearby.

She ordered a muffin and the purest, blackest coffee they could make, finding herself a seat on the corner. Normally, being around people wasn’t something she would mind, but she needed to be alone with her thoughts to think of her next step.

The sound of the coffee house opening again interrupted Clarke’s train of thought, and she was about to curse to herself when she noticed who was the person who had just entered. Now, that was the mess of curly hair she had been searching for the whole day. Those beautiful brown noodles that could never be mistaken for anyone else.

She forgot about the muffin, the coffee and even about the awkwardness that had been through those last couple of weeks; getting up and running towards the girl in the blink of an eye, pulling Lexa to herself and throwing her arms around her, hugging her tight. Her fears finally subsiding.

* * * * *

 

Lexa had made pancakes when she woke up because routine was too important for her, but she didn’t have it in to eat, so she simply piled a perfect stack of the breakfast food before she went out for her walk. She desperate needed some fresh air and she never seemed to get enough alone time in the group home.

Her hunger didn’t bother her nearly as much as the cold, though. The air outside was thick and wet and heavy and it made chills run all over Lexa’s skin, forcing the girl to hug herself to try to get some warmth. Cold was always something that bothered her way too much. Given how small her frame was and how little fat she seemed to have in her body to keep her warm, she always felt as if the air was much colder than it really was. She hated the winter and wearing layers over layers of heavy clothes were never that comfortable to begin with. It constricted her movements and made her feel like the Stay Puft giant Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

However, the cold and the hunger were nothing compared to the pain that tore open her chest and kept her awake for nights and nights over the last couple of weeks. Most of the time, she would end up being beaten by the exhaustion and falling asleep, but getting rest was a completely different story. Lexa felt like a robot, programmed to fill up her routine as she used to, but her mind was never really there. The only time she got a break from her grief and hurt was when she was fencing. It required so much focus and concentration it made hard for her to focus on anything else than the sabre in her hand.

When she was fencing, she actually felt alive. She always gave it her best. Her mother had worked so hard and so many hours to be able to afford paying her classes and equipment and to try as hard as she could was her way of repaying her for everything. Fencing class was also where she met Costia and they shared a great time in that gym.

After finally bringing herself to leave what was still left of the house where her late girlfriend previously lived, she walked herself to the gym. Lexa lingered at the door for a few minutes, internally debating whether she wanted to go in or not. Anya, besides being a great teacher, also seemed to care about her student, not to mention she actually said Lexa was her favorite, even if teachers were not supposed to have those. However, it was Saturday and like any other Saturday morning, the place would probably be filled with adults who could only come to practice at this day and time and the teacher would probably busy, so she decided not to bother.

One thing that did bother her was her stomach. Lexa couldn’t remember the last time she had something to eat, probably the dinner at the day before, so it seemed prudent to get something for breakfast. Sometimes, she would be so focused on something, such as a paper for school or practice that she would forget to eat, only remembering when the task was done, but this time, the pain at the mouth of her stomach was starting to overpower the one in her chest, so she made her way to nearest coffee place. The same coffee place that Costia took her over a year ago.

She had barely gotten in when she felt arms tossing around her and pulling her in a tight hug. It startled her at first, since being touched out of blue and having her personal space invaded without permission was never something she enjoyed, but as soon as she realized who those arms belong to, Lexa gave in, hugging Clarke tight and resting her head on her friend’s shoulder. It went completely against what she wanted to do, which was to leave Clarke alone, get some distance to keep her safe, but that embrace was more comforting and welcoming than she could begin to predict.

“Lexa, you are freezing!” Clarke said, pulling away and taking off her coat, throwing it over Lexa’s arms. Her eyes showed true concern, her hands grabbing her arms as if it could stop her from running away again. “What happened? You scared the hell out of us! Out of me!”

“It’s a long story… Do you think we could eat while we talk?”

“Oh, sure!” Clarke nodded, guiding her to the table where she was eating before. She slid her plate of muffin and mug of coffee to Lexa, since she seemed to need it more than herself.

Lexa got the mug, holding it with both hands before taking a sip, her face shifting into an expression of disgust. Clarke didn’t mean to laugh, but she did anyway.

“Sorry, it’s not sweetened…” She apologized, going to get her friend some sugar and a stir stick.

Lexa poured an unholy amount of sugar in her coffee before drinking. Clarke watched her carefully and expectantly, ready to jump on her at any sight that showed the girl would run away from her again. However, after a few sips, Lexa started talking.

She never really planned to tell Clarke about her mother, her father, her family or even less about Costia. She had pondered over it a few times before, but if felt like a betrayal of her memory to just share such intimate memories for someone who didn’t even know who she was. But all that happened to them was a part of Lexa’s story too. It was a part of who she was and it molded her into the human being she was. Had such things never happened, she would never be sitting on the chair with someone she could finally call a friend, words pouring out of her like a waterfall of feelings, washing away the pain that had been dragging her down the last couple of days.

Clarke reached out to take her hand, squeezing it between hers, a small smile playing on the corner of her lips.

“Lexa, I know this is all very hard for you and I appreciate you telling me, but this is not a reason to run away. I’m your friend and so are Raven and Octavia… We were all worried sick when you left and I broke all the rules to come and find you!” She took a long, deep breath before starting again. “I know how it feels to lose someone. It may have not been a significant other, but it was my father and I loved him. It hurts, but the thing about pain is that running away from it just makes things worse. Pain demands to be felt and it shapes us into the people that we are. It brought you to Polaris and it brought you to me, to Raven, and to Octavia… We love you and just because you lost people in the past, doesn’t mean you’ll lose us too, okay?”

Lexa had her eyes focused on her hands, her eyes blurry with tears and she could not bear to look at Clarke when she felt so embarrassed of herself. She knew that lecturing her was not her intention, but she felt ashamed of her actions. She didn’t take it into account what effect it would have on the people around her, on her friends.

“I’m sorry…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for torturing you like that on the last ep and make you wait a whole week for a new chap, but I promise things will start going uphill from now on!  
> And in case you haven't realized, we really love Florence + The Machine! =P
> 
> Comments and kudos are always very much appreciated!  
> You can find us on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl!


	9. Break the Cycle

_"Let me heal the wounds you've held onto for all these years_  
_Break the cycle._ _Break the chains_.  
_'Cause love is louder than all your pain"_  
                 _Break the Cycle - You+Me_  


* * *

  
Clarke brought Lexa back to Polaris, already expecting Erin to scold her for breaking the rules, but instead the woman seemed to be relieved. She gave the two girls a disapproving, fierce glance, but it softened as soon as Lexa apologized to her, saying she did not want to run away, just breathe a little. Erin let it slide this time, not even taking away Lexa’s weekend privileges, since forcing her to be stuck in the house could trigger the girl into running off on her own again. She was tough, but not unfair. After all, for starters, Lexa didn’t come to the house for committing a crime or running away from a foster home.

After asking if Lexa wished to be alone, and happily receiving a negative response for the first time in weeks, Clarke took her friend to Raven and Octavia’s dorm, finding them playing cards as usual.

“I found a lost puppy, can we keep it?” She asked, chuckling a bit, calling both girls attention. Octavia jumped out of the bed, going to hug Lexa, who squirmed a bit at first, but ended up giving in and hugging her back.

“You scared the shit out of us!” She complained, before letting the girl go and giving space for Raven to wrap an arm around her shoulder.

“Yeah, next time you wanna run away, take us with you!” Clarke noticed Lexa’s shoulders lost a bit of their tension with the latina’s joke and she laughed some, quickly making the air in the room feel lighter. That skill of Raven’s was enviable, almost always, she was capable of turning a room that was filled with tension into something lighter.

“I’m sorry… I just needed some air...” Even so, Lexa still found some space to apologize and bite her lower lip, facing the other two girls with her amazingly green eyes, which had a glance that made her look like a lost puppy. Clarke’s comparison made perfect sense.

“It’s okay, we were just worried...” Said Raven, rubbing her shoulder gently. “Why don’t you join us? O needs some help to not have her ass kicked!” She let the girl go, going back to her place on the bed, winking at Octavia who squinted her eyes at her.

“Shut up, I’m gonna own you this turn!” Raven laughed a little, and so did Clarke and Lexa. It seemed that, at least for now, things were back to normal. And the artist hoped, deep within, that her newest friend knew she would never be alone, as long as she had the three of them.

****

Lexa had invited the artist to go to fencing practice with her, which Clarke considered to be a big step into getting to know Lexa’s inner world, for she was aware of how important the sport was for her. The older girl had revealed to Clarke how much it had helped her across the years and, even though the younger girl was not a sports person, she could easily compare Lexa’s relationship to fencing with her own relationship to painting.

During the week, Lexa took Clarke to that same gym where she had been looking for her. This time, however, the place felt way more cheery as she was actually paying attention to the sound of other fencers practicing, giggling, silently chatting while taking a break and screaming whenever they’d poke the adversary. Anya walked among them, watching, so she could stop and orientate people whenever necessary.

“Can you help me get ready?” Asked Lexa with a little smile as she walked towards the locker room. Clarke nodded, following her in. There were other girls getting dressed, some of them in pairs to help one another. They stared curiously at Clarke, as if she was the new kid, but once they noticed she had no equipment whatsoever, they lost interest.

Looking back at Lexa, she noticed the girl was dressed in nothing but panties and a tank top. It was obvious that she would be semi nude in the locker room, but when Clarke had accepted to help her, her thoughts didn’t truly went that direction, she simply wanted to help Lexa with something that was important to her. But now, having her half dressed right before her eyes, Clarke couldn’t avoid the heat that gathered up inside her and spread on her cheeks.

“What do you need help with?” She asked, blinking a few times, trying to get herself rid of the thoughts that crossed her mind, as Lexa put on her knee high socks.

“Oh, there’s lots of straps!” She said, chuckling a bit, after, gladly, putting on her fencing pants and covering her legs, making Clarke feel a little less hot. She went to put on a chestplate before getting a piece that, to the blonde, looked a little like a t-shirt cut in half. “This is the plastron.” She put it on over her right shoulder, pulling the straps all the way underneath the left one. “Can you help me with it?”

Clarke nodded, walking to the girl, strapping the clothing the way Lexa told her to. It felt incredibly intimate, standing close, her hand softly brushing on the other’s waist as she put the straps on the loop at the bottom of the plastron. That made the heat come back a little, but the younger girl kept forcing herself to ignore that, at least until she was done with that part.

Lexa moved on to putting her jacket, tying her hair in a ponytail and damn, did she look good in that uniform. Not only in an attractive way, but her glance seemed to lift up a little and she instantly looked more confident. It was impossible not to appreciate whenever she saw the girl expressing anything that resembled happiness.

****

Watching Lexa practice was hypnotizing. She moved as gracefully as a swan and attacked as fiercely as a tigress. It was easy to see how someone like her fit into that sport. It was amazing how through fencing, someone so filled with inner strength could let that out without losing any of her composure. Every movement of Lexa’s was perfectly calculated, every dodge, every stab. It almost looked more like a dance than a duel.

Clarke always carried a small notebook within her purse. Most of the stuff in it were really silly sketches she would draw in class -like drawing her teachers in mustaches and monocles, just to show Octavia and make her laugh-, but she kept it in case she had a burst of inspiration and lacked her other bigger notebooks or better materials.

She opened the notebook, every so often taking a look at Lexa. She wasn’t trying to copy Lexa’s poses, because that would be impossible given she didn’t take longer than a few seconds on the same one, but she tried to take notice of the girl’s posture and that gracefulness that called her attention so much. Her drawing wouldn’t come out with perfect anatomy, but she was not aiming for that this time, instead, she aimed for the illusion of movement.

She didn’t dress the sketch Lexa in a fencing equipment, however. Instead, with the help of a Google Search through her phone for references, she drew the girl in leather clothing, as if she belonged to some other time, wielding her saber fiercely.

Showing off that she was as strong outside as she was inside, something Clarke found absolutely beautiful.

* * * * *

Lexa wasn’t that used to people watching her fencing the way Clarke was. Her mom used to come whenever she could, which weren’t that many times, but the feeling was completely different. She had that quiet look of pride as she watched her daughter move across the designated area, slashing and stabbing her opponent. Lexa was also used to Anya watching her, but she was the teacher and coach, it was her job to watch the girl and correct even the smallest mistake her student could have been making. However, with Clarke, it was completely different.

Lexa was very aware of her stare and it was setting her slightly off balance. She could feel like Clarke’s stare was causing her entire body to tingle in a way that was distracting her way too much from practice. She was more than glad when Anya told her it was enough for the day, taking off her mask and greeting her opponent before going to sit with Clarke.

“Were you so bored you had to start drawing to pass time?” Lexa asked, peeking on what she had been drawing.

“No! I was drawing you!” She giggled a bit, showing her the notebook. “It’s so cool and you are so good at it…”

“Thanks…” Said Lexa with a little smile. “Do you want to try it?”

Clarke laughed softly as she stuffed her notebook and pen back inside her bag.

“I don’t think I can! It seems so hard!”

“It is, but it’s fun too!” Answered the other girl with a soft giggle, taking her friend's hand and pulling her to one of the empty spots. She hung her sword, getting two others, giving one to Clarke.

“Why did you change swords?” Clarke asked, slightly puzzled.

“Because I use a sabre. This one is an épée!” She explained, the small smile never leaving her face.

“And there’s a difference because….”

“Because there are three different fencing styles!” She completed, her smile widening. “There’s the foil, which you can only thrust, target area is only the torso! With a saber slashing is allowed too and target is the whole upper body! With the épée, the target is the whole body, but you can also only thrust and there is no right of way! In theory, it’s the easier of the three! Also, the three swords are clearly different!”

“Clearly…” Clarke said, trying to process all the information Lexa had just given her, even if not a lot of it stick to her mind, but she couldn’t deny it was adorable how Lexa got excited about such small things.

“Sorry… I think I just info dumped you….” Lexa replied, biting her lower lip, looking down.

“No! No! It’s just a lot to process at once!”

“Okay, all you need to know is that you only need to thrust, no slashing!” She explained, standing into position, waiting for Clarke to do the same. “You call that posture?” She joked with a chuckle, noticing her friend looked more like a kid with a plastic sword than a fencing athlete.

“What? What did I do wrong?” Clarke asked, her cheeks tinted in an adorable pink color.

“Let me help you…” Lexa approached the other, placing one hand on her lower back to straighten her upper body, the other hand held her shoulders back. “Think less Jon Snow with Longclaw and more Arya Stark with Needle!”

“Oh, so she watches Game of Thrones too!” Clarke joked, chuckling a bit.

“Clarke, I’m autistic, not a feral child.” She said with a strong tone, pretending to be offended “Of course I watch Game of Thrones”

Clarke let out another soft laugh, trying to attack Lexa, but failing miserably. Lexa on the other hand, jumped forward, sticking the sword in her friend’s stomach, chuckling a bit.

“You wouldn’t last a second in a medieval sword duel!” She joked, giggling a bit.

“That’s not fair! It’s like a putting the chief of the king’s guard against the cook’s son! He doesn’t stand a chance!”

“In that metaphor, I better be the chief of the King’s Guard!” Lexa demanded, her brows furrowed with seriousness.

“Don’t worry, you are!”

Lexa laughed softly, resuming the swordplay with her friend. She clearly wasn’t good at it and the fencer was convinced that sports weren’t her strong suit at all, but every time she made a move or got stabbed by Lexa’s she would giggle adorably and had a wide smile on a her face. It was hard for her to take the rules so seriously when Clarke was clearly having so much fun with it.

Above all else, it felt incredibly satisfying to share something so intimate for Lexa with someone. However, she couldn’t help but to feel scared. The only person she ever shared her love for fencing on that level was Costia and their relationship soon grew into something more before she forcefully left. Given that, Lexa was unable to ignore that little spot of fear that the same would happen to Clarke. She feared that she would leave like everybody else she ever loved.

They were forced to empty the track when there were no other available and another pair needed to use it to actually practice.

Lexa went into the locker room followed by Clake, who helped her out of the heavy practice clothes before she headed into the shower to wash herself. The uniform was hot and heavy and there was no way she could stand being that sweaty until they got to the group home. They ended up stopping for coffee on the way there. Both girls were too hungry to ride all the way back on an empty stomach. The places weren’t that far apart from each other, but it was rush hour and everything seemed to last twice as long when you were hungry. It was also worth mentioning that food at Polis took a long time to get ready and never really tasted that good.

They got cinnamon rolls and coffee in the bakery close to the gym, Clarke watching silently as Lexa emptied way too many sugar packages into her coffee before stirring and trying it. They ate there, getting them both another cup of coffee to go and two extra rolls for Raven and Octavia. The girls arrived there after sundown, finding Erin in the living room, starring at them with a serious face.

Lexa expected to be reprehended for taking too long to arrive or for not warning they would be late, but neither happened. Instead, the woman put her computer down, standing up to touch her shoulder gently.

“Lexa, can you wait here? There’s someone here to talk to you.” The administrator said before leaving.

Those words hit Lexa like a ton of bricks, her heart already racing and her mind playing all the possible worst scenarios, the very worst being her social worker delivering the news that she no longer could stay there and had to move to another group home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so relieving even to us to finally have these two dummies approaching each other T-T
> 
> We always love when you guys give us comments and kudos!  
> As always, hit us up on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl !


	10. Save your Scissors

“ _So save your scissors for someone else's skin. My surface is so tough I don't think the blade will dig in”                                                                                                                                                                       Save Your Scissors -  City and Colour  
_

 

* * *

 

Saying there was someone that needed you need to talk to was the worst possible way to trigger someone’s anxiety and it wasn’t that different for Lexa. She sat on the couch to wait, pulling her feet up so she could wrap her legs with her arms, squeezing them tight against her chest, rocking back and forth, trying to calm, herself down a bit.  
  
Her mind played several possible scenarios of who was there and why would that person need to talk to her, every single option worse than the previous. She didn’t want to have to change schools, or group home or therapist or anything. She had enough involuntary changes in her life and she would fight with every bit if strength she had to keep her life the way it had been for the last few months.

Living in a group home for girls wasn’t something Lexa ever thought she would do, but once she got used, it wasn’t that bad. After the r-word incident and punching Ontari, the other girls learned that it was best to leave her alone. Lexa had gotten used to sharing a bathroom with the rest of the residents on the house and the noise and constant talking didn’t even bother her anymore. In addition, since there were no new residents, she still had the room all for herself. Not to mention Raven, Octavia and Clarke were good friends and she would most definitely miss them if she had move to another group home.

However, the person who came out of the office made her even more anxious than any other possible visitor. Lexa didn’t have a very clear memory of the man walking up to her, but upon seeing him, it was impossible not to recognize her father. He seemed stronger than she remembered him to be and maybe slightly shorter, but the forearm tattoo was till there and they shared the same penetrating green eyes and the same unruly curly hair, hers a bit more long and full, but it was undeniable that she got that feature from him.  
  
“We’ll leave you two alone to talk…” The house administrator said, placing a hand on Clarke’s shoulder, starting to guide her out of the room.  
  
At first, Lexa had even forgotten they were in the room, but she didn’t wish to be alone with him, so she grabbed Clarke’s wrist.  
  
“Stay, please…” She pleaded, biting her lower lip. In response, Clarke nodded, taking a seat beside her friend. It felt a little awkward for her to be there, but if Lexa wished her to stay, she would.  
  
The tension in the air was thick and heavy, almost touchable. There was a lot that lingered between the both of them, years of abandonment and insecurity that his departure caused in the girl. She was, in her own words, a peculiar child, but like any other kid, autistic or not, she loved her parents and having her father leaving took its toll on her. Lexa had imagined he would come back, that he was only in one of his trips and that he would soon come home and be with them again, but as time passed and she grew older, she knew that he probably would never and that it was all her fault.

“Lexa, I’m sorry…” He finally said, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them.  
  
“For what, exactly?” She did not intend to sound that bitter and accusing, but she did.  
  
“For leaving you and your mother…” There was regret in voice and he did not look at her as he talked. Probably shame, Lexa guessed.  
  
“Oh, you mean for leaving a 5 year-old because of something she had no control over?”   
  
“Yes... I’m really sorry…” He continued. “But I was young and you know how our family is… I let them get into my head. I should never have left you and your mother”  
  
“But you did anyway and I hardly think your age is the reason for ignorance… My mother was the same age as you and you left her alone to raise me!”  
  
“Lexa, please… I know what I did was abominable, but please, listen to me…” He continued after a heavy sigh. “I loved your mother more than anything in the world, she was my whole world, but I was weak…”  
  
“No!” Lexa burst. How dared he even _mention_ loving her?! “You don’t get to talk about my mother! She’s dead now because of you!”  
  
She normally wasn’t the kind of to get angry and yell at people, but when she did, she’d become a force to be reckoned with. Very little things triggered Lexa and she tried her best not to let people get under her skin, but it was hard for her to just sit there and watch him talk about her mother so tenderly, like he didn’t leave her alone for a decade to care for a child on a nurse’s salary. As if he didn’t act like a fucking sexist ableist pig.  
  
“Lexa, please!” His tone was one of begging, and so were his eyes and gestures. “I’m here to try and make things right…”  
  
“You can’t! You can’t bring my mother back from the dead! No one can! And I’d much rather be alone than have a father like you!”  
  
“I think you should leave…” Clarke intervened, taking a hand to caress Lexa’s back, in an attempt of calming her down. “You can come back anytime, we can’t stop you from coming here, but right now, it’s better for both if you leave…”  
  
The men looked like he had just received a punch in the stomach, but he nodded anyway, getting up to leave the house. Lexa ran her hands through her hair, trying to tame a bit, feeling her face wet with tears. She didn’t exactly know at which point she started crying, but she did.  
  
“Come on, let’s go upstairs….” Said Clarke, her voice sweet and caring as she helped the other girl get up and guided to her own room.

There were some curious looks on the way, but Lexa didn’t mind. For the first time since she had knowledge of the actions of her father and the consequences he had on her life, she finally felt free. She had too many years of anger boiling up inside of her and like a dormant volcano bound to erupt at a point in time, so did she. She sat on her bed, finally kicking off her heavy boots and taking off her coat. Clarke watched her in silence, trying to find any signs that she would break down, but she couldn’t find any.  
  
“I’m going to get you some water, okay?” She asked, smiling a bit, refraining herself from caressing the mess of curls that was Lexa’s hair at that point.  
  
“No, it’s okay… I’m fine…” Answered Lexa, the corners of her mouth going up in a tiny smile. “I’m okay… Better than I’ve been in a really long time….”  
  
****  
  
The days that came after Lexa’s return and her father’s visit felt incredibly light-weighted. When the girls were not doing some of their duty in the group home, they would be playing games, watching movies, eating together or simply talking to one another. Little by little, Clarke could notice that Lexa was feeling more free to talk and interact with the others, and spending time with the three of them, was impossible not to catch up with their inside jokes and mindless teasing, and even mime some of that.

Lexa was fascinating in every little detail of hers. The way her jaw would clench when she was thinking about something, or just intrigued in general. How she would pay close attention when baking the pancakes for the group home members in the morning, making sure they were perfectly shaped. The way she would smirk a bit to herself when she knew she was going to win a game. How her pupils dilated when she got into hyper focus. Every little detail and micro expression was noticed by Clarke, and she wanted to draw every single one of them.

She also learned to appreciate Lexa’s stims. She had learned that _stimming_ was something autistic people would do to help them cope with sensory overload, anxiety or just as a way to express themselves and, upon observing Lexa, she learned to distinguish them.

When the lights bothered her, the older girl would blink continuously. From outside, it looked like a confused expression, but Clarke had learned that wasn’t it, and she would make sure to get Lexa off of the environment that was bothering her. If her issue was with sounds, she would cover her ears and squeeze her eyes shut. When she was anxious, she would play with the hem of her shirt, mess with her hair, chew on her lower lip. All discreet, almost unnoticeable stims for someone who did not know Lexa. But now Clarke did. Now, the girl had finally shown herself to her. And the more Clarke saw, the more addicted she got.

What she still couldn’t figure, though, was if she should act upon all those things that Lexa made her feel. Even if the girl was not a complete loner anymore and Octavia and Raven were her friends almost as much as Clarke, the artist was still apprehensive about deepening that relationship, trying to make it something else. Not only for Lexa, but also because she really valued that friendship.

It was incredibly hard. Every time they were close to one another, Clarke’s heart and stomach would react to Lexa's presence, like she had some sort of itch inside and one that bothered way more than she cared to admit.

****  
  
It had been a month ever since Lexa’s father visit. It was a Saturday and the four girls were sitting by the dorm during the afternoon. Lexa with her nose stuck in a book, as usual, unaware of the fact that Clarke was observing and trying to sketch her, while Raven and O were playing cards against one another. Normally, the blonde would join them, but she was too focused on her art to notice. It was becoming a little addiction of her: drawing Lexa. She would easily fall into hyper focus and do that for hours. So, when the other two girls sat beside her out of sudden, Clarke jumped a bit, letting her draw fall on the bed and reveal itself to Lexa, who also looked away from her book.

“I... Needed a reference...” Commented Clarke, getting the paper back, smiling nervously. She hoped Lexa would let it pass, instead of drowning her in embarrassment.

“It’s alright, Clarke...” She answered to Clarke’s relief, letting out a chuckle that chimed way more beautifully than it should in the younger girl’s ears. “Just let me see when you finish it...”

“I will...” She threw a small grin at Lexa, before turning to Raven and O. “But what do you two want?”

“Well... It has come to our attention that _someone here...”_ Started Raven, throwing a side glance to Lexa. “...Is in desperate need of a party!”

“What, me?! I’m not into parties...” Answered Lexa, looking up at Raven, her jaw a bit clenched, her eyes up and wide with a frown like a lost puppy.

“These only work with Clarke!” Complained Octavia. “Plus, we’re just taking you to a bar, I promise it’s not too crowded!”

“This may actually be a good idea, Lexa...” Commented the artist, smiling a little at Lexa, who dropped the puppy face, nodding softly.

“Okay...”

****  
  
As promised, the bar wasn’t crowded. They sat in a corner, away from the rest of the people and the staff’s way, so that Lexa could have more peace and they could all have a bit more privacy. They ordered a bottle of coke to share as well as a round of fried chicken wings.

Clarke sat beside Lexa, trying her best to abstain her mind from the warm feeling that came inside whenever their legs or arms brushed against one another. It didn’t help that she was sitting in front of Raven and the girl would send her subtle messages with her facial expressions, smirking, pointing at Lexa with her eyebrows, even winking sometimes. Clarke wanted to go as far as kick her under the table, but she was no good in doing that with her right leg, and the left one would hit Raven’s brace so she just answered with eye rolling and annoyed glances instead.

“So, was it really so bad to come here with us?” Octavia questioned, turning to Lexa as she took a sip of her drink. The other girl twisted her lips, thinking a bit.

“Well... No. The lights are a little strong and there’s too many smells, but... Apart from that, it’s quite pleasant...” Clarke could tell the smile she gave upon saying that was genuine, given the way her green eyes lift up.

“Good! Eating bad food off of Clarke’s house is great sometimes!” Answered Octavia, laughing a bit. The blonde opened up her mouth and frowned in protest.

“Hey!”

“I mean junk food! You actually can cook when you try, which is once in a lifetime!” Teased O, chuckling some.

“Fair enough...” Clarke shrugged, before taking a bite of her chicken wings. “But these _are_ really good, indeed...”

“I still prefer pizza...” Commented Lexa, laughing adorably, once again, warming Clarke up inside. She resisted the will of giving the girl a peck on the cheek, tapping her shoulder instead.

“Of course you do...” Lexa smiled a bit, turning to the artist, who gave her a smile back, looking into her eyes for a moment, which was easily lost as a waitress approached their table, placing a glass of a cocktail in front of Clarke. That was illegal and she wondered if whoever sent that to her was aware of it.

“That lady sent this to you as a courtesy...” Explained the waitress, pointing to a tall blonde woman who was sitting by herself on the counter. She looked older than the rest of them, most likely a college student. She was wearing a dress with some good cleavage and it looked as if she was ready to kill a man upon leaving the bar.

Normally, that was just the kind of person Clarke would go after for a make out session. Older college students, who didn’t really want any involvement with “kids” like her. She was very aware of such fact, but that was exactly why she enjoyed having fun with them; she still didn’t know how things went further with Finn. Maybe because his mentality was more like the one of a High School student despite his age.

And that woman, _damn,_ she was very sexy. And Clarke knew that if she responded to her flirtation, they would end up in bed together that same night. It was tempting to let someone like her be her first. Just her appearance made it look as if she knew _exactly_ what to do to satisfy a girl. Especially a young virgin like herself.

But that wasn’t what Clarke was looking for anymore.

She had always wanted her first time to be something crazy, wild and unforgettable. But now, the idea of having something soft, romantic, though still intense was way more interesting. Something she would carry not only as a memory of one night, but as a memory of a lifetime.

“Uhn... Tell her thanks, but I’m not interested.” Declared Clarke, looking up at the waitress. “I’m more interested in the people that came with me...” She completed with a little smile. The waitress nodded, taking the glass back.

Raven and O exchanged a glance, both with a slightly intrigued expression. It wasn’t common for Clarke to reject someone like that.

However, the way she stood closer to Lexa made very clear why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys =3  
> We hope you enjoy this chapter, it looks as if Clarke and Lexa are finally going somewhere, huh? @u@  
> As always, kudos and comments are so, so appreciated!  
> And please feel free to scream at us on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl


	11. It Will Come Back

  
_"You don't understand, you should never know h_ _ow easy you are to need"_  
                                                                        It Will Come Back - Hozier  
  


* * *

 

Finally getting to say all those things to her father made Lexa feel incredibly light. The pain caused by the loss of her mother still lived within her and she had a feeling it would never truly go away, but it was getting easier to not let herself feel drowned by it all the time. Telling the truth to her father, spitting those words onto his face felt was as if she let all of her demons go at once, getting herself free of their voices and how they had tortured her for so long.

 Moreover, for the first time ever since Elizabeth had died, Lexa felt safe. No longer embracing herself to sleep every night, no longer wondering where she would be on the next day and if she would be able to stand living in the group home. It was true she would be eighteen in a while, and she still had no idea on where she would live once her birthday came along. Her house was still there, unoccupied and technically, it still belonged to her, but she didn’t think she would have the strength required to live in it by herself. The wounds was still too fresh to throw salt on it with no pain.

 But when she was not thinking about her birthday, her house or anything related to that in general, she could just enjoy that new peaceful feeling she had almost forgotten what it was like. Perhaps not only because of her mother, but also because she didn’t remember feeling that calm inside ever since Costia.

 Clarke brought her peace.

 Lexa was impressed with herself, given how easily she ended up bonding with the two other girls once she was within their group. She never truly had any friends apart from Costia, so being called to do the silliest of things with them was always a pleasure to her. Plus, in Octavia, she _finally_ found someone who was as competitive as herself. They would have races against each other, have push up and sit up competitions, one on one soccer matches in the backyard to see who would score more goals, which Clarke and Raven would watch and count the points for them, among other sporty activities. With Raven, she could talk about her books, science, philosophy and all kinds of things she had always learned to keep herself quiet about instead of info dumping as much as she liked and wanted to.

And with Clarke she could do anything.

 They had started planting some flowers in her backyard together. For now, they were nothing but small, closed buds, but they should blossom soon enough. Lexa would make sure of that; take care of those flowers as if they were a child, bring some color and scent to Clarke’s dull and empty backyard as Clarke brought color to her otherwise dull and empty life.

 Since Lexa couldn’t be in the girl’s house during weekdays, she would take pictures of how the were doing everyday to show her as soon as she got to Polaris. Lexa had also left her a note with instructions on how to take care of them, which Clarke had put on her fridge, promising her friend she would look at them every morning before breakfast so she would never forget taking care of their precious flowers. It became their own private ritual. Every time Clarke arrived at Polaris, she would go straight to her friend, phone in hand, showing her the pictures. They were getting more beautiful everyday. The buds seemed brighter and bigger each day and Lexa was proud of her friend.

 Now, she was only expecting for Clarke to take care of herself just as well as she took care of their flowers. She had started noticing and nagging her about the fact the girl was always eating junk or frozen food, rarely cooking. It wasn’t like she was not able to, because she had eaten Clarke’s food at Polaris at dinner and it was actually pretty good. However, it seemed as if the artist did not care about taking care of herself as much as she took care of others and now that Lexa was starting to get rid of her chains, it was easier to pay attention to those little details of Clarke. How the other girl always seemed to pay more attention to others than herself. Not only because she would rather eat junk and cook for others, but also because her hair almost always looked a bit messy and oily. Not to the point it would get smelly or bad or anything drastic, but because it would start getting limp before she washed. But when it came to taking care of her friends, Clarke would remind them when it was the last time that they had washed. This made Lexa wonder how many times she had taken care of others emotionally, while ignoring her own pain or anxiety. It was an admirable, unique quality and just one of the things that made that girl so different from anyone she had ever met.

She was finally starting to allow herself to let those feelings she had for Clarke for a while show themselves and blossom, bright and beautiful just like their flowers. Maybe after so long after her dear Costia, it was finally time to let someone else in again.

 

****  
  
  
It was a bright Saturday morning when Clarke and Lexa were both in the Griffin’s backyard, watering their plants. The air was fresh, the sky was as blue as Clarke’s eyes and it didn’t look as if rain would come anytime soon. It was the perfect weather for their flowers to finish blossoming.

Clarke was surprisingly quiet, though. It was very unusual since she would always be chatting or singing in a low tone while they took care of the flowers, but instead, she just focused on her work. Since Lexa was rarely one to start conversation, they remained in silence. Normally, the silence between the both of them had no weight and Lexa was thankful for it, but this time it simply felt awkward.

 “Is everything okay?” Lexa questioned, placing a hand over Clarke’s shoulder, frowning her brows in worry.

She shifted, seeming to get out of her trance, turning to Lexa with a wide smile.

"Yeah, everything is great.” She plucked her lips, taking a deep breath. “Listen, I’ve been thinking...” Another deep breath. “Do you remember that time at my kitchen?”

 Lexa nodded in response. _Of course_ she did.

 “Do you think… Maybe we could go back to that? I mean-” Clarke made a negative motion with her head and even if Lexa had never been that good at reading emotions, her friend was very expressive. She looked nervous and adorably confused, as if she was playing with words and ideas in her head. “Would you like to go out with me this weekend? No Raven and Octavia?”

 Lexa’s face shifted, her jaw clenching and her mouth opening with a little surprised smile, her eyes widening as her pupils clearly dilated. She was not expecting that and while she hated to have surprises or sudden changes in her routine, this one was very welcome.

She should be scared and she _was_ a little scared. Clarke was her best friend, the best thing to ever happen to her ever since her mother’s death.

But that also made her the only person Lexa would ever be able to give herself to.

“Yes. Yes. I would love to.”

 

*****

 

Clarke stared at herself on the mirror one more time. It had been a long time since she dedicated herself that much to get ready for a date, but she wanted to make sure that she would be on her best appearance for Lexa.

Since they were simply going to a pizza place, the blonde decided to tone down the cleavage, choosing a basic black dress. One could not go wrong with that. Plus it had enough cleavage to call a little attention and at the same time it showed some of her legs, two body parts Clarke was quite proud of. She also did her best to curl hair, even if that had never being one of her skills; thankfully, YouTube was always a savior for that. When she finally got to make pretty waves on her blonde locks, Clarke combed it half up half down, only then she finally moved to her makeup.

"You must really like this girl." Abby's voice almost made Clarke jump and she thankful that she was done with her eye makeup. Her mother's words certainly messed with something inside her. She was, of course, very aware of what she had been feeling for Lexa all along. However, hearing it from someone else was different. It made it real. The feeling was not a mere illusion, happening only in her head anymore. Others could see it as well.

She could feel the burning sensation coming from her cheeks as she rubbed her hands against each other and opened her mouth in a tiny smile.

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

Clarke knew that a volunteer was not supposed to be taking a resident on a date, but she had been invested in wanting to get closer to Lexa for too long to care. Abby still concerned about that and about her daughter losing her job as a consequence, and Clarke was aware.

“Mom, it’ll be fine.”

“Just be careful, Clarke. Please.” Her mom answered, sighing heavily, placing a hand over Clarke’s shoulder. She happily took mother’s hand playing with her fingers in a gentle motion. It surprised Abby given that she was not used to her daughter being sweet and playful like that, at least not since Jake passed away.

“I will be. Promise.” She turned to pull Abby into a tight embrace, letting herself melt into her mother a little bit. Even if the she was sixteen years old, that embrace still made her feel protected and safe.

“What was that for?” She asked as she let her daughter go, her face filled with surprise and emotion. Clarke herself was suddenly overwhelmed. It had been so long, too long, since she last remembered hugging her mother like that.

“All of this. Lexa and her parents… I think it opened my eyes. I shouldn’t shut you down. I have been doing it since dad was gone and-” Clarke stopped herself, swallowing hard. Crying just after putting on her makeup did not sound like the best idea. “I don’t want that. Each other is all we have left.”

“We’ll work it out, Clarke.” Her tone was tender, reassuring. Once again, that made the young girl feel as if she was a child again, protected by her mom. “But tonight, enjoy. You deserve it.”

“Thank you, mom. Really.”

****

Clarke arrived at Polaris at about 8 pm, the time they had agreed on. She hesitated to get out of the car at first, needing a moment to take a deep breath and process what was happening. _At last,_ after everything they had been through, she would be able to take that beautiful girl out on a date. Despite being a simple date, Clarke had promised herself that she would do her best to make it a night Lexa wouldn’t forget. The older girl was already aware that she was not alone anymore, but Clarke doubted she was aware of how special she was for her, and _just how much_ she cared. How that feeling inside her had been building up over those months and how it overwhelmed her, unlike anything she had _ever_ felt; she couldn’t understand how something that felt so incredibly good felt so scary.

She moved her hands off of the wheel of the car, noticing how sweaty they were. With a deep breath, she cleaned them on her dress’ skirt, frowning deeply, suddenly panicked that she was smelling like sweat. After a quick check, thankfully, she noticed she wasn’t and still smelled like the perfume she had put on before.

Clarke got her phone, sending a text to her friend to let her know she was already there, climbing off the car to greet her. She fidget uncomfortably, swinging side to side; something she had taken from one of Lexa’s stims, given how much time they spent together.

She was starting to get a lot of those. Whenever she was nervous, instead of fidgeting as she normally would, she would play with the hem of her shirt or wrap her hair in her fingers, the same way Lexa did.  Something of her was already branded into Clarke, and she was sure she would never be the same person she was before meeting Lexa ever again.

At last, Lexa got out of the house. She was dressed in a black shirt, she looked incredibly small and thin inside it, and the first thing to come into Clarke’s mind was the wish to pull the girl to herself and snuggle her close, protect her. She was also absolutely delighted and surprised by the fact that Lexa was wearing a skirt, instead of the usual jeans. Her hair was down, but the curls looked way more in place than the usual wild and unruly appearance they would have. She wore some make up, not too much that wouldn’t even make her look like herself, but enough to make her features stand out. She looked completely stunning and just the sight of her was enough to make Clarke’s heart thump on her chest loudly and fast.

“Hi.” Said the younger girl, unable to contain the smile that spread on her face and almost made her cheeks hurt. Lexa’s shoulders bounced up and down softly as she chuckled, taking a lock of her hair and placing it behind her ear, a simple, yet incredibly charming motion that didn’t cooperate with Clarke’s desire to breath a little slower.

“Hi.” She answered, beaming at Clarke. “Can we go? I’m hungry!” She bounced a little at her question, a motion Clarke had noticed she would do when she was anxious about something.

“Of course.” Said the artist, opening the passenger door to her friend. “If you please.” Lexa let out a soft giggle, covering her mouth. It was simple and almost unnoticeable, but enough to make Clarke completely mesmerized by it for a moment. It would be a long night if every little thing Lexa did made her melt.

****  
  
The pizza place had a basic setting, with uncovered wooden tables and chairs. Despite simple, the place was really cute and the smell of melted cheese and sauce could be inhaled as soon as they entered, making both girls have their mouths water instantly.

“So, coke?” Clarke suggested once they were both sitting in front of one another. Back at home, she would have a beer or even wine, but she was still 16 and they couldn’t really order that, as much as the young girl was sure it would’ve helped with all the messy feelings going inside her head, her heart and her stomach.

“Coke is good.” Nodded Lexa. “Do they have breadstick as an appetizer?” Lexa asked with a wide smile, which easily brought that warm feeling inside Clarke’s chest again.

“Yeah. They do! Do you want a portion while we choose our pizza?”

“Yes!” She bounced happily, smiling widely, a smile Clarke couldn’t keep herself from returning as she called up the waiter and asked for their wine and breadsticks. The waiter took their order, giving the girls a menu, apologizing because the place was a little full and there was only one menu they would have to share. Seeing the chance, the blonde offered to sit beside her friend so they could take a look on it together.

“Is Pepperoni too spicy for you?” Asked Clarke, as she held one side of the menu, Lexa holding the other. The girl made a negative motion with her head in response.

“No, Pepperoni is okay as long as there’s no pepper! So one pepperoni and one cheese?” She suggested, looking up at Clarke, who nodded

  
Clarke thought two pizzas was a bit too much for just the both of them, but she went with it anyway.  
  
“Sure, I love cheese!” She let out a gorgeous giggle, her deep voice reverberating in Lexa’s ear. Meanwhile, the waiter brought their breadsticks and coke, taking the pizza order.

“So, a toast?” Clarke suggested, taking her glass of coke and raising up. The other girl nodded.

“Yeah, I’d like that. I’d love to toast the fact we’re here together tonight.” Her eyes met the other’s, a forest of green melting into a sky of blue and Clarke could swear her heart had stopped for a brief moment, so breathless she was.

“Alright.” She answered once she finally found the words for it. “Then let’s.” She touched her glass against Lexa’s, the tilling sound of it feeling almost harmonious to her ears, they both sipped at the same time, their eyes never leaving each other’s. It meant a lot to Clarke. She knew Lexa didn’t exactly like looking into other people’s eyes and she was only capable of doing it and sustaining that glance with someone she truly trusted with all of her being.

They ate in silence for a few seconds, both at a loss for words. For Clarke, not only because of how good the food was or how beautiful Lexa was, but also, because the girl ate _a lot_ to the point she almost ate a whole pizza by herself. Clarke should be used to that now, but it never failed to impress her. She didn’t want Lexa to think she was staring or thought that was a bad thing, though, so she let her mind wander and look for something to talk about.

“Oh, by the way. I think Octavia is gonna get adopted.” She said with a smile, her thoughts leaving the both of them and her feelings for Lexa for a moment, replaced by how happy and proud she was of Octavia.

“What, really?!” Lexa’s mouth opened up in surprise. “That’s amazing!”

“Yeah. There’s this woman, Indra. She coaches O in the school team, they’re really close and she wants to foster her. Erin is setting the papers ready and all. I really hope it all works out.”

“Me too!” Lexa answered, smiling as widely as Clarke was.

“Hey, by the way...” The younger girl took the other’s hand gently. “Do you wanna be adopted?”

“Why, Clarke? Do you wanna be my daddy?” The blonde burst into laughter, even making some people stare at them for a moment, clearly not expecting that sort of comment.

“You have been talking to Raven way too much.” She answered, calming herself down. Only when she finally stopped laughing, the other spoke.

“Not really. I’m almost eighteen. I had the most amazing mom I could have ever asked for. I don’t… I really don’t think I could construct that sort of bond with anyone else.” She bit her lower lip, her eyes falling down into a sad sort of expression again. Clarke almost regretted her question, squeezing Lexa’s hand, brushing her thumb against the back of it gently. Comforted by that touch, Lexa opened up a little smile again, placing her free hand over Clarke’s.

Their little moment was interrupted when the waiter brought their pizza. _That_ easily lift up Lexa’s face and it was easy to understand why. The pizza was beautiful and smelled even better from up close, the melted cheese dropping a bit from the spatula as the waiter served making Clarke and Lexa both hypnotized by it. It melted into their mouths as well once they started eating, and Clarke mentally high fived herself for choosing such an amazing pizza place to bring the other girl.

They ate in silence again, both focused on how delicious their meal was. Not just the meal itself, but the welcoming, warm setting of the place and each other’s company.

There was a really good advantage in being left handed. While using the left hand to eat, Clarke had the other right, opposite to Lexa’s dominant hand, so she could hold it all the time. Something Lexa did not complain about, and even though they would eventually have to let it go every so often to cut their pieces, it was quite pleasing to simply enjoy each other’s touch while eating something they both enjoyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaaay! Extra long chapter! *u*  
> This chapter was a bit different, since it was entirely written by Ridja! During last week, in addition to my chronic rhinitis, I, GracefullyCursed, had a very sore throat that triggered a sinus infection that gave me massive headaches, so all I wanted to do was sleep. So, I'm really sorry that writing wasn't a priority, but I think Ridja made it up to you!
> 
> As always, hope you enjoyed! Comments and kudos are always very welcome!  
> Come yell at us on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl!
> 
> P.S by Ridja: I hope you guys like this chapter, I love writing romance and did my best to write a good Lexa ;u;


	12. Like Real People Do

_"Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips, we should just kiss like real people do."_

                                                                                  Like Real People Do - Hozier

* * *

 

Knowing of Lexa’s love for ice cream, Clarke took the girl back to her place instead of ordering the restaurant’s dessert. She had bought them a huge box of cookie dough ice cream, from which Lexa took a fair amount of scoops, once again impressing her date with how much food she could fit into her petite body. Clarke also provided them marshmallows, gummy candy and sprinkles, but Lexa rejected the last one.

“Is your mom in bed already?” Asked Lexa casually as she sat down on the table to eat her ice cream, savoring it as if it was some sort of aphrodisiac.

“Yeah. I believe so.” She answered, pulling her chair to be as close to Lexa’s as possible, finally getting a bit of the ice cream and tasting it herself and _wow,_ how could something that was literally made out of raw dough be so delicious? And why did it take so long for her to try that?

“Oh, my God! This is _so_ good!” She spoke her thoughts out loud, glancing at Lexa who giggled a little, twisting her spoon and putting it backwards into her mouth, staring at Clarke with her sweet, big green eyes. The younger girl could feel her heart melting a bit in response, completely hypnotized by that glance.

“Told you so!” Lexa broke the glance, which felt incredibly relieving for Clarke who could finally focus on her ice cream again. That moment probably only lasted a couple seconds, but it felt like years. “I love cookie dough. There was a time that I was so obsessed that it was the only thing I would eat!”  
  
“Didn’t you get tired of it?” She asked, slightly shocked.  
  
“No, not really… I had to stop because I had one hell of a stomach ache and had to spend a whole day in the bathroom… Mom said if I didn’t take it easy, she’d completely forbid me to eat it ”  
  
Clarke laughed in between scoops, noticing how Lexa’s eyes would light up when she talked about her mother, making her wish she could meet the woman who raised such an amazing human being.

“So, did you have a good time today?” Pondered Clarke, trying to make a conversation. That question was enough to make her heart speed up again and her hands feel slightly sweaty. It was true she had came up with a fairly simple date, but at the same time, she had gathered everything she knew Lexa would like and she didn’t remember ever having that level of dedication towards any one ever.

Lexa clenched her jaw, looking down at her ice cream bowl with a shy smile, playing with the spoon as she answered. “Yes. It was amazing. Thank you.”

Clarke placed a piece of the ice cream into her mouth, smiling widely at herself. The huge weight of doubt finally lifting up from her shoulders and making her feel so light, it was almost as if she could elevate herself. She placed a hand over Lexa’s, caressing it softly with her thumb, as they had done practically all the way through dinner.

“I’m glad you think so.” She answered softly, looking up at Lexa, who gave her a small, simple smile. Her eyes, however, didn’t let any of her emotions be hidden, as per usual, and Clarke tried her best to read them, but she failed, unsure if Lexa seemed to simply be thankful or if there was anything else in that glance. She certainly hoped so.

“No, really.” Lexa took a deep breath, her teeth catching her bottom lip. “I… I haven’t felt like that ever since Costia.” Clarke could see her throat moving as she swallowed some saliva, her chest raising up and down as if her breath was getting quicker. Clarke’s own chest reflected that movement, her hand grabbing onto Lexa’s with a bit more strength.

“I’m also glad to hear that...” Answered the younger girl, now giving Lexa’s hand a squeeze. “I’ve never felt like this. Not ever.” Lexa’s smile grew wider and she brought Clarke’s hand to her face, placing the back of it against her cheek.

“It’s good. It’s really good. It only hurts if it breaks.” She plucked her lips, playing with Clarke’s fingers absentmindedly. It felt as if she was close to letting her mind wander back to that dark place she would hide in sometimes and while Clarke knew she would never be able to erase that corner from Lexa’s brain completely, she could try her best to not let the girl fall into it.

Clarke’s heart ached with the wish of being able to promise she would always be there. That she had some sort of control over death and that she wouldn’t allow Lexa to lose her in the same way she had lost Costia. However, life was unpredictable. That moment was all they had. And the one after it. And so on until the one that would put an end to it all.

But if that moment was all they had, then they should make it unique. Unforgettable. Beautiful.

At last, Clarke pulled Lexa to herself, wrapping an arm around her waist, her other hand still holding the other’s. Her heart’s response was almost immediate, the familiar quick and violent thumps beating fast against her chest. She didn’t have much time to listen to it, however, as she got closer to Lexa’s face, their lips meeting on the way.

Fireworks.

Fireworks exploded inside her, turning into a thousand colored little pieces that touched different parts of her body, spreading a wonderful sensation of bliss. This kiss was so very different from their first one, with no alcohol or fear involved, but only the beautiful feeling that moved the both of them. Lexa seemed to taste even better and sweeter this time, and it wasn’t just because her lips were cold or because her tongue tasted like cookie dough ice cream; she didn’t taste like hesitation anymore.

Lexa let go of Clarke’s hand so that she could embrace the girl completely, diving into her with so much passion and delivery the artist was impressed. Normally, that was the kind of kiss that would easily evolve into something else, but that was the last thing crossing Clarke’s mind at that moment. Every word left unspoken, every doubt either of them still had finally subsiding, melting into that kiss.

Finally, they pulled apart, but it hardly felt like so. The sensation of Lexa’s lips was, somehow, still attached to Clarke’s as she pressed her forehead against the artist’s. In response, Clarke took a hand to her cheek, caressing it gently, as if Lexa was the most precious thing she had ever touched, and she probably was. Expressing her enjoyment, she responded by closing her eyes, her calm breath brushing against Clarke’s face like the sweetest of caresses.

****  
  
Later on, they went to Clarke’s room, the house owner going to change into her PJs in her bathroom to give some privacy to her friend. They had just had one kiss and neither of them seemed to have the intention of taking that further that night. Only when Clarke was sure Lexa would be completely dressed, she left the bathroom, finding her dressed up in adorable red PJs with cat prints all over. They matched Clarke’s own blue set, which also had cats, despite the different design of the prints themselves. It was adorable, to say the least.

“Cats? You too?” She asked, laughing a little. Lexa shrugged, playing with the tips of her hair.

“I love cats! I just didn’t have one because I didn’t wanna give mom one more thing to worry about...” She bit her lower lip, wrapping her hair a bit faster. “I guess now I could have one, but...” Clarke didn’t let her finish, pulling the girl to herself and hugging her tight.

“I know, it’s alright.” She felt Lexa’s weight drop a bit on her as the girl got soft in her arms, her nose touching the crook of Clarke’s neck and making her giggle a little, thanks to the tip of it being cold. With a soft smile, Clarke kissed her friend’s head, letting her hands run through her hair.

“Do you wanna lie down?” Suggested the younger girl, getting a simple nod in response. She took Lexa to the bed, uncovering it so she could tuck her friend in before lying beside her. Lexa snuggled closer to her, brushing her hands up and down Clarke’s back, who closed her eyes, taking her turn to relax completely under her friend’s touch, letting out a long, content sigh.

“Hey, Lexa?” In her state of bliss, she found her voice, her tone tender and sweet.

“Yes?”

“Do you wanna be my girlfriend?” It was probably rushed since they had just had their first date but after everything they had been through, Clarke had a feeling they knew each other better than anyone else and there was nothing she wanted more than that.

“I don’t know, Clarke. I...” Lexa sighed, hiding her face deep into the blonde’s neck. Frustrated, Clarke felt her heart sink, squeezing her friend against her gently. She didn’t know what she was expecting, but maybe it wasn’t--

A soft kiss on her neck, going up to her chin to meet her mouth shut all of her bad thoughts away. She could feel a smile on the lips against hers and Lexa seemed to be giggling a little. She pulled apart from Clarke, caressing her cheek gently and staring into her eyes.

“I don’t know, Clarke. I thought I’d had the chance to ask first.” She teased. “But actually, I’d like that very much. Even if I didn’t think I’d ever able to say yes to that ever again.”

“That was mean!” Clarke laughed softly, tickling the other’s sides as punishment.

“Hey! No tickles!” Protested Lexa.

“Oh? So you reject me only to troll me and don’t wanna be punished?!” Inquired the artist. “Sorry, you don’t have a choice!” Giggling, she rolled them so she could be on top of Lexa, pecking her face all over. Lexa didn’t protest against that, however, lost in the harmonic sound of Clarke’s laughter mixed up with hers.

 

****  
  
Lexa wasn’t one to usually wake up very late, even on weekends, and despite being much later than she would normally wake, it was still before everybody else in the house. She untangled herself from Clarke’s arms and the leg that she had across her hips, getting up so she could stretch, heading to the kitchen to make them both coffee and breakfast.  
  
It was supposed to be an easy task, but the mess in the kitchen cabinets made it a little more complicated and time consuming. Coffee was fairly easy to find, since it was sitting on the counter beside the machine and coffee filters, but the ingredients for waffles were scattered in cabinets all the way across the kitchen and it was a bit of a challenge, but she got it in the end. She was halfway done with the food when Clarke came down the stairs, her hair in a tangled mess of blonde strands.  
  
“I was gonna take you breakfast in bed…” Lexa said, pouting a bit as her girlfriend poured herself some coffee.  
  
“I can go back there if you want!”  
  
“No, stay and eat while they are warm!” She smiled widely, giving Clarke a plate. “I just didn’t find the syrup…”  
  
“Here!” The girl got it from the fridge, dousing her food in it before taking a generous bite.

Lexa smiled, finishing making the waffles before sitting to eat with her girlfriend, taking a hand to caress her hair.  
  
“We need to fix that…” She said, chuckling a bit, analyzing her girlfriends strands.  
  
“What? My hair?” Clarke asked with a mouthful of waffles.  
  
“I know not everyone is born with gorgeous, luscious curls like me, but yes. Your hair. You look like a wet poodle!”  
  
The blonde girl, laughed, nodding in response.  
  
***

After a very long raid in the Griffin kitchen cabinets, Lexa ended up finding a renegade jar of coconut oil, completely untouched and surprisingly, still good to use. Clarke was sitting on the floor of her room, sketching notebook in hand while her girlfriend sat in her bed, carefully brushing through her hair, splitting it in sections before applying the oil and braiding it. Clarke had never really thought of herself as a vain person: she didn’t exactly watch what she ate, she didn’t exercise, didn’t take care of her hair and skin, but having Lexa’s delicate fingers taking care of her sounded too good to pass on.  
  
“How did you learn that?” She asked, trying to make conversation. “You are so good with hair…”  
  
“My mom taught me… Whenever we could, we would oil the others hair, put it up and then watch a movie while it rested…” Lexa explained, smiling a bit.  
  
Clarke smiled, laying her head on her lap, caressing it gently.  
  
“What about braids? You are really good with those too…”  
  
“Well, when you are born with as much hair as I did you pick up a trick or two to tame it on bad hair days!”  
  
They both laughed for a bit, before the room fell in silence. It wasn’t unpleasant, nor there was an urge to fill it, but Clarke did either way.  
  
“Your mother sounds like she was an amazing woman…” She said, turning to look at Lexa, who firmly turned her face forward, inserting her fingers into Clarke’s hair, massaging her scalp.  
  
“She was… She was the best person I have ever met…” Lexa replied, her voice a bit far away, her mind wandering to the place where she kept the fondest memories of her mother. “I miss her everyday…”  
  
“I get it, I miss my father too... And when he died, my mother kind of closed herself. It was around the same time I got the job at the group home. We never really saw each other, either I was at work or she was on call… All I really had were Raven and Octavia. It was the first time I realized how lonely their lives were…”  
  
“What do you mean?” Lexa inquired, starting to braid Clarke’s hair.  
  
“Raven’s mother lost her guard after she had a drunken driving accident, same one that crushed her leg and she never worked to get Raven back. And Octavia’s mother died when she was a kid and she never knew who her father was. Her and her brother ended up in the system until Bellamy got adopted and she stayed behind.” She explained, a very noticeable sadness in her voice. “Raven and O bounced from group home to group home, from foster family to foster family, but no one really wanted to adopt them. They were all alone in the world and to a lesser extent, I was like that too: my father was dead and my mother was emotionally unavailable.”  
  
“I’m so sorry…” Lexa smiled a bit, caressing her shoulder gently. She didn’t exactly know what she was apologizing for, but she learned that it was an act of empathy, she did understand Clarke’s pain. “At least Octavia is getting adopted…”  
  
“She is… But Raven turns 18 soon and she’s probably going to have to find a place for herself. She can’t stay in the group home anymore.”  
  
Lexa bit her lower lip, moving to the ground so she could sit beside Clarke, taking her hand to squeeze the other's gently. She knew very well the pain and worrying her girlfriend was feeling, since she too felt both of them, her birthday was just around the corner and she had no idea what she would do. She could always come back to her house, it was still there, waiting for her, but going back to that place alone was too painful, it reminded her too much of her mother and she still missed her incredibly.  
  
“Do you want to visit my father’s grave with me?” Clarke asked, pulling Lexa away from her thoughts. She never really understood why people would call others to go visit a grave together, since it had always been a private moment to her, but she nodded in agreement anyway. Maybe if it was with Clarke, she would understand it herself. “I thought we could get the flower we planted and take it. My dad would love to meet you… He would probably make dad jokes that no one would laugh at, but he’d like you…”  
  
Lexa noticed Clarke had tears in her eyes, so she pulled her into a tight embrace, caressing her arms, causing the girl to collapse into her arms. She couldn’t deny she felt a little awkward and didn’t exactly know how to act or what to say, so she kept Clarke close, caressing her arms gently. She knew exactly how comforting a tight embrace could be.  
  
“My mother would like you too…” She said after a while, after Clarke’s sobs became longer and her breath more even. “She probably would tell me to take care of your hair, but she would…”  
  
Clarke giggled a bit with her joke, looking up at Lexa.  
  
“We can visit her grave too, if you want. Hers and Costia…” She said, caressing Lexa’s cheek.  
“It’s as close as I’ll ever get to you two meeting…” Lexa shook her head, smiling a bit. “Now, how about we make a bowl of popcorn and watch a movie while we’re waiting to wash your hair?”  
  
“How can someone so tiny like you eat so much?!” It was relieving to see Clarke smiling again, making Lexa herself smile back.

“I’m an athlete. I need more energy to fuel my fast metabolism!”  
  
They both laughed, going downstairs to make popcorn and snuggle on the couch, the bowl on their laps, finding a moving to watch on Netflix. Lexa placed an arm around Clarke’s shoulder, pulling her close and pecking her cheek longly, as if that kiss could wash all her girlfriend’s worries away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter so much, you guys! It was so nice to write my part and to read Gracefully's! I hope you'll love it as much as I do!
> 
> As always, feel free to come at us on tumblr in the-impossiblegrl and gracefullycurrsed. And always remember, comments are deeply appreciated <3


	13. Pedaço de Mim

_"Oh, pedaço de mim. Oh, metade amputada de mim, leva o que há de ti que a saudade dói latejada"_

                                                             Pedaço de Mim - Chico Buarque (see notes for translation!)

* * *

 

 

That place was not supposed to be as beautiful as it was, but with the sun shining high up in the sky which was as blue as it could possibly be and not a single cloud to be seen making the grass look perfectly and brightly green, the wind soft and calm slowly moving the leaves on the trees, producing a relaxing sound, there was no way to not feel as if that was one of the most beautiful places that Clarke and Lexa had ever visited. It was impressive how a place that was supposed to carry such a heavy, sad feeling could be so enchanting.

Jake’s grave was bigger than most of the others, it stood in the middle of the graveyard with a beautiful, slightly creepy angel statue that looked as if it would come to life at any moment, like most grave guardian statues. Clarke had gotten used to it, however, she had been to her father’s final resting place enough times to start appreciating and even feeling safe under that human-sized statue standing above them.

“This is pretty… Even if it creeps me out a bit...” Said Lexa, inspecting the angel a few times, before placing the flowers she had been carrying over the grave. Pink Carnations. Clarke had let her choose which flowers they would put on each of their graves and she would place them over Jake’s while the blonde girl would place the other flowers over Costia and Elizabeth’s graves. The meaning of those flowers was “gratitude” and Clare found it fitting. She was thankful for her father, she always had been and always would be, not only for, along with Abby, making sure Clarke would always have everything she needed, and even luxuries, but also for being the best father she could’ve asked for.

It was two years ago when Clarke found out she liked girls as much as she liked boys, if not a little more, she was 15 and just beginning to explore that new side of herself. It was scary, confusing and oddly exciting. She had developed a crush on a classmate, ironically enough, her partner in a project for Chemistry Class. At first, she didn’t give much thought to the feeling, but the closer she would get to the girl, the more she would want to do things to her that she had only wanted with boys so far and it got hard to sleep at night with all of those thoughts about that girl filling her head. It was also a trigger to make her realize she had been paying attention and crushing on girls as much as boys her whole life, but always took that for granted, thinking it was just friendship.

Jake was the first person she talked to about that. Even before her two best friends, even if Raven seemed to appreciate girls herself, he was the first person she was comfortable enough to talk about that. And despite the panic and anxiety that came as she told him, all Jake did was rub her back and try to calm her down while she told him. In the end, all he said was that he was happy that she had came to him, but he was already suspicious of it. His final words about it were the same thing he would always say about boys: she was too good to be with anyone, she should find someone that would treat her like the princess she was.

And now that she had, fate was cruel enough to not allow Jake to be a part of that.

She sat on the floor in front of the grave, waiting for Lexa to join her. At first, neither of them said anything, Clarke breathed deeply, trying to contain the emotions that were already starting to fill her body, biting her lower lip and letting her hands close into fists. She hated that feeling that would always fill her up as soon as she got to Jake’s grave, a sort of implosion of sadness and longing. Tears would make her vision go blurry before she could even begin to process the fact that she was crying and her whole body would shake. The pain was still there, was still as real as it had been from the first day, it was just easier to get distracted from it now. But being here, in front of his grave, there was no way to escape having to face the fact he was gone.

Lexa pulled her close, gently placing Clarke’s head against her chest and pecking her forehead, her hand brushing up and down her back in an attempt to calm her down. Slowly, the artist’s breath started getting less shaky and her sobs subsided. Her head was a bit dizzy and hurt from the crying, but she was finally able to speak again.

Looking up at Lexa, she smiled weakly, allowing the other to rub her thumbs against Clarke’s eyes gently to dry her tears. Then, she replaced her hand with her lips, kissing her girlfriend’s tears away.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t… I wasn’t expecting that I’d still get like this...” Her voice was weak, shaky and husky as she spoke and Clarke herself did not expect to sound like that. “I...” Lexa caressed her in response, her hands brushing against Clarke’s hair, then her face, then her neck, stopping to rest on her cheeks, holding both sides of the girl’s face.

“It’s okay. These things take time. If they ever go away.” She said softly, pecking Clarke’s lips.

“Yeah. But I’m really glad you’re here with me…” She answered, pressing her forehead gently against Lexa’s, the proximity and the feeling of her girlfriend _so near_ , just _there_ for her making her feel incredibly secure.

“So am I.” Lexa let go of her face so she could cuddle Clarke in her arms again, squeezing her against herself a bit. They stayed like that for a bit, just catching the feeling of the other, synchronizing their heartbeats and breathes, Clarke’s forehead resting against the other's while Lexa’s hands brushed her hair.

“You see, dad?” Lexa was almost startled when the artist started speaking to her dad, but she did not intervene, letting Clarke say what she needed to. “I got a really nice girlfriend. Her name is Lexa.” She took Lexa’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “I’ve liked her for a while, but… Lots of things happened before I finally girled the hell up and asked her to be my girl...” She chuckled a little, swallowing.

“It’s nice to meet you, sir...” Said Lexa, smiling sympathetically, caressing the back of Clarke’s hand with her thumb. “I’ve heard great things about you.”

“This is the moment he’d probably make a Dad joke...” Clarke commented, laughing a little, even though it looked as if she would break down again at any moment. Lexa pulled the girl to herself again, snuggling her close. Clarke didn’t say anything else to her father, she couldn’t bring herself to do so, but she cried silently in the other girl’s arms, satisfied that she was there to take care of her.

 

*****

 

Lexa wasn’t expecting the gloomy feeling that came over her once she got into the cemetery with Clarke, but it was not like it was something new for her. She had been visiting one for the past year, but that feeling never really went away, it just sat there, forgotten in a drawer, waiting to burst out when you pulled the handle.  
  
Despite Clarke asking her to come with, it felt like a bit of an invasion of her privacy to watch her into such an intimate moment with her dad, like she was eavesdropping.  
  
They drove in silence to the next cemetery, Lexa’s hand resting softly in Clarkes leg, a silent way to reassure her girlfriend that she was still there and was not going anywhere. When they got there, Lexa made her way through the tombstones, finding Costia’s one quite quickly. Unlike Jake’s; it was a simple one, stating her name, date of birth and death. Lexa sat down in front of the plaque, crossing her legs, Clarke promptly followed her, placing the bouquet of pink camellias beside it.   
  
“Well, my girlfriend and my ex are meeting. That’s awkward….” Lexa said, chuckling a bit. Clarke wasn’t expecting her to drop a joke as soon as she started talking, so she made a nasal noise, sounding like a pig, which made Lexa giggle even more.  
  
A lady a few feet away gave them a very intense glare which made Lexa look away in discomfort, apologizing.  
  
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here in a while, but life hasn’t exactly been what you’d expect. My mother died and…. Wait, you probably know that already…” Lexa smiled, placing a hand over the one Clarke had rested on her leg. “I’ve been living in a group home for girls and for the first time I think I actually have friends.”  
  
“Of course you do…” Clarke said, taking her free hand to caress her girlfriend’s curls.  
  
“Right. I also am dating again, as you can probably see. Her name is Clarke and you would like her. She’s the kindest person I know and she makes me very happy...”  
  
Lexa kept on talking for a while. It was just easy for her to talk to Costia, just like when she was alive, even if it was just an one sided conversation. She couldn’t deny that she felt slightly silly talking to a stone, since she did not believe she needed to be there to talk to her, but that was the only place she still had left entirely dedicated for her. Lexa felt that she didn’t need to be close to Costia’s body to be close to the memory of her late girlfriend, but she still went there. Since her parents moved to Canada, she was the only one that still went there and the last thing she wanted was for it fall into forgetfulness.  
  
Lexa leaned forward, cleaning the dust that collected on the plaque, arranging the flowers beside it, trying to ignore the tears that were collecting into her eyes.  
  
“I brought you pink camellias this time. They mean “longing”, because I still miss you everyday….” She cleaned her throat, wiping the single tear that rolled down her cheek.

After a moment of silence, she spoke again.

“I have to go now, my mother is waiting.” She got up slowly, cleaning the smashed grass clippings from her pants from being sat down. “I’ll try to come back more often. I promise….”  
  
“You were great. I’m proud of you.” Clarke followed her, caressing her back gently, reassuring her girlfriend of what she had just said. “Do you want to see your mother now?”  
  
Lexa nodded silently, guiding her to where her mother had been buried. If talking to Costia was easy and effortless, her mother was a completely different subject. For some twist of fate, their final resting place was on the same graveyard. Lexa guided Clarke there in silence, each step feeling heavier than the last one, her heart feeling like it was being crushed inside her chest.  
  
When they got there, all she could do was cry. She normally wasn’t one to break down like that, but seeing her mother’s name on the stone was a terrible reminder of how terribly her mother had passed away and how brutal it had been for her. It wasn’t only the feeling of missing her mother, but there was also how her mother’s passing had affected her life. She had had this amazing woman taking care of her for her entire life, doing the impossible to give her daughter everything she needed and to make her happy. Once her mother was gone, so did everything Lexa had ever known. Her house, her only family, her best friend.

Clarke hugged her tight, caressing her back. There wasn’t much that the girl could do to calm her down instead of just let her cry, let it all out. On that moment, she felt like Lexa was made of glass: she could see right through her and she needed to be handled with care, too fragile for clumsy hands.

She kept Lexa close tight until her tears subsided. It could have been 5 or 50 minutes, but none of them cared enough to count, since it didn’t really matter.  
  
“Do you want to say something?” Clarke asked gently, cleaning her girlfriend’s tears. Lexa nodded negatively, biting her lower lip.  
  
“Okay…” She smiled a bit, letting go of Lexa for moment to place the flowers on the gravestone. “I’m sorry we never had a chance to meet, but I’ll take good care of your daughter. I promise.”  
  
Lexa smiled a bit, taking Clarke’s hand, kissing the back of it gently.  
  
“Can we go get ice cream?” She asked with an adorable pout that just made Clarke melt inside a bit.  
  
“Anything you want.”  
  
***

If there was one thing in Lexa’s life that could make everything better was ice cream. She served herself generous scoops, along with all the toppings she liked, such as various types of gummy candy, marshmallows and crushed cookies. Clarke watched Lexa with certain amazement; she looked like a child and there was no denying that the frozen treat brought a smile to her face.  
  
“Do you really need all the gummy? Isn’t it all the same?” Clake asked, frowning a bit.  
  
“Yes. The texture is different, specially after it freezes.” Lexa got a scoop of her ice cream along with a few colorful gummy bears. “Open!”  
  
Clarke promptly opened her mouth, accepting the ice cream she was fed. She made a shocked face as soon as she bit into one of the little bears.  
  
“It does change!”  
  
Lexa simple smiled and shrugged, going back to eating. They stayed in silence for a while, both enjoying their dessert until Lexa broke it once more.  
  
“I wanna go back to my house.” She commented, starring at Clarke, who seemed to be slightly shocked by her statement.  
  
“Are you sure? Is that because of your birthday?”  
  
“Kind of.” She bit her lower lip, getting another spoonful of ice cream before speaking. “I miss my mother and the house is very familiar to me, I think it’ll help… Also, it’s probably very dirty and I don’t want it to decay like that… It’s the house I grew up in…”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes… I also don’t want it to be dirty when I move back in.” She said with a shrug. The last few days, she had been avoiding thinking about her birthday and where she would go once she no longer could stay at the group home, but it was a subject that would need to be faced sooner or later and the idea of postponing it so long triggered Lexa’s anxiety too much.  
  
“You don’t have to move back there, Lexa, you know that, right?”  
  
“Where else would I go, then?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, the translation to the lyrics used in the beginning:
> 
> "Oh, piece of me.  
> Oh, amputate piece of me  
> Take away what's left of you.  
> Because this longing brings me excruciating pain."
> 
> Anyway, I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter. It's bittersweet and a little angsty, but pain brings them closer together and I can't T-T  
> As always, you can scream at us on tumblr (the-impossiblegrl for Ridja and gracefullycurrsed for Gracefully 8D).  
> And also, unlike Jason, feedback gives us life, so feel free to comment ;u;


	14. One For the Road

_So we all go back to yours and you sit and talk to me on the floor._  
 _There's no need to show me round baby, I feel like I've been in here before."_  
  
_One For the Road - Arctic Monkeys_

* * *

 

Lexa's house was rather simple compared to Clarke's and while the blonde girl was already expecting that, for some reason, she was still surprised by it. Maybe she was expecting for Lexa's home to look as rich and full as her stories about it were.

It was almost funny how Clarke would always have a soft spot for the ones who did not have as much as she did. Her family had never truly struggled when it came to financial stability. She was the kind of kid who got a car as a gift for her 16th birthday, but as much as she liked those kinds of luxuries, she had never been able to relate to people who were in the same place she was in the social scale. Not only that, but usually people who needed someone to care for them, someone to hold their hand when nobody else did.

The best people she had ever met were the damaged, lost ones.

And Lexa was definitely _not_ an exception to that rule. She had never wanted to take care of someone as much as she did for Lexa. And so, watching how her expression started dropping as soon as they stood in front of the house almost made Clarke regret allowing the girl to go there.She still remembered what it felt like. The first time she went back home without finding Jake there. Unreal, as if somehow time had frozen inside her house only and the rest of the world was still living their lives, unaware that death was right at the corner, ready to swallow anyone alive as soon as it could. It had swallowed a part of Clarke that day, and she wasn't sure if that part was back already, or if it would ever be.

She wondered if that's what it felt for Lexa at that moment. If, a part of the girl's soul was also not feeling sad or angry, but actually numb, like an empty vessel.

"Lexa..." She called gently, rubbing her back. Octavia and Raven had came with them, but the two remained in silence, letting her friend take in the turmoil of emotions that were likely invading her at that moment and letting Clarke comfort her.

"I'm okay." Answered Lexa, pressing her teeth against her bottom lip for a moment, clenching her jaw. Reaching out for Clarke, she took her hand and gave it a light, gentle squeeze, staring at the girl as if trying to find strength from her presence alone. Clarke looked back at her, intertwining their fingers and caressing the back of her hand with her thumb.

Moments like those had started happening lately. Sometimes they would simply stare at each other for a moment, silently communicating; and while the first time they had met Clarke had no idea on how to communicate with Lexa without using words, now she would sometimes be the one to start reaching out through that sort of communication instead. When words were too hard to find, whether she was sad, angry or simply overwhelmed by emotions, she knew one glance between them would be all she would need.

"Why don't we start doing the cleaning thing and you guys can talk if you have to?" Suggested Raven, smiling empathetically. Octavia made a face, clearly not so excited about cleaning in first place, but she recomposed herself quickly, beaming just the same way as Raven.

"Yeah!" She stated, smiling a bit. Lexa nodded in agreement, squeezing Clarke's hand again.

"Thanks, guys." Said the blonde, watching as the two girls got into the house, while Clarke and Lexa stayed behind; the older girl immobilized, staring inside her house as if she had no strength to get in it.

She took her hands to the tips of her hair and started braiding it, watching the way her own fingers moved, swinging slowly from side to side. Clarke had never seen her stimming like that, not specifically, but given her body language, she could easily notice all the signs of anxiety and how Lexa was trying to sooth herself. She was aware there wasn’t much she could do, since it could end up overwhelming Lexa. With that in mind, she waited for Lexa’s movements to slow down, as an indicator that her anxiety was going away and she could be touched again.  
  
Gently, Clarke placed a hand on her shoulder. Lexa didn’t flinch or grunted, so the artist pulled her closer, hugging her from behind and applying as much pressure as possible to help her calm down and feel safer.

"Lexa, we don't have to do this..." Said Clarke as she snuggled the other, pecking her shoulder. Lexa made a negative motion with her head in response, placing her hands over her girlfriend's.

"No. I'll have to deal with this sooner or later...." She sighed heavily, but her lips curved into a shadow of a smile in the next moment. "Plus, I've got you and the other girls here." 

Clarke couldn't help but smile widely in response, resting her head against Lexa's arm.

"Yes. Yes, you do."

****  
  
They started by the living room, which wasn't as big as Polaris', but still gave them some work. They were pushing the couch away, taking everything off of the shelves, sweeping the floor and doing whatever else they could to make sure they would make the room crystal clear and as pretty as it used to be before everything happened. Even Octavia 'I hate chores' Blake didn't complain about it.

Lexa looked a little off, however. Not only she was doing her tasks still in silence, with a puppy face, there was something about her eyes with crashed Clarke's heart completely. It wasn't pain, sadness or anger. The girl was completely frozen, staring at the empty shell she cleaned, her jaw filled with tension, her expression rigid.

"Lexa?" called Clarke, approaching slowly, placing the broom against the wall so she could talk to Lexa and comfort her if needed.

"I should have come here before..." she answered quietly, swallowing hard.

"What do you mean?"

"Look at this place..." Lexa's face was filled with a certain kind of disgust Clarke had never seen her use before; the kind of disgust that comes with self blame. Immediately, the artist pulled Lexa to herself but the other didn't stay, moving uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry..." Said Clarke, biting her lower lip.

"No, it's not you. It's just,,, This place carries so many of the memories I've made throughout my whole life. And look at that! It's all dirty. Dusty. As if no one has ever lived here at all! How could I let this happen?!"

Tears streamed fast down her face and she took her hands up, closing them into fists, ready to punch her own head, but Clarke was fast enough to predict that and put a cushion in between, holding it for the girl to let it out without hurting herself.

She had never seen Lexa having a meltdown at the strong as that one, but her girlfriend herself had told Clark about it and told her that giving her a pillow to absorb the impact was the best way to redirect that stim. She told her of how clouded her head could get and how her emotions would bring her senses to their limit and how that was what made her explode.

It was over as fast as it came. Lexa’s punches started getting slower after about 5 minutes, until she sat down on the couch and finally stopped, embracing the pillow as if she was completely drained from the meltdown.

“Do you need to rest?” Clarke suggested quietly, sitting beside her.

“Please.” Agreed Lexa. “Maybe we can go to my room?” She suggested, biting her lower lip, a little anxious.

“Of course.” Clarke got up, extending a hand to the other to help her do the same, stopping midway to turn to her friends. “You guys take it from here?”

“I hope you two are not making excuses to have sex while we clean here!” Raven teased, laughing a bit. “But of course. We’ll take care of it...”

 

****

Lexa’s room was exactly as she remembered. Her bed was still made, a perfect amount hanging on each side, just like the day social services had come to take her to the group home. Everything was just the same, except maybe a little bit more dusty and dirty.  
  
She took a moment, analyzing every single detail of her room like it was the first time she was seeing it. She didn’t want to admit it, but some details of her house were starting to fade from her memory. She didn’t remember anymore how many trophies she had or what color the walls were.  
  
“Everything okay?” Clarke’s voice pulled her back from her thoughts, her hand gently placed on her lower back.  
  
Lexa nodded quietly, snuggling Her girlfriend, laying her head on her shoulder and taking a deep breath.

“Do you wanna tell me about those?” Clarke asked, pointing to her trophies. Lexa nodded and smiled, guiding her to the shelf where they were stored. There were a lot of them, a lot more than she remembered, if she was to be completely honest.  
  
She took a moment to gaze upon them, recalling what each of them were for before explaining to Clarke. There were all kinds of sports there, such as swimming, volley, football, basket, but fencing still outnumbered all of the others. Clarke’s mouth was slightly open. She knew her girlfriend was hardworking and a natural at sports, she just didn’t expect her to be _that_ good.  
  
“You never told me you played so many sports!”  
  
“Well, I did. I tried a lot of things before I settled for fencing.” She explained. “It was the most expensive one, though, with the equipment and everything….”  
  
Lexa’s mind wandered back to her mother. She worked days, night and weekends for that.  
  
“Do you wanna lie down now?” Clarke asked, smiling at her. Lexa nodded, her eyes big with pleading.  
  
“Sure! Can you get us clean sheets?”  
  
She nodded.  
  
“Please. Top shelf of the closet, right side.” Lexa told her as went to get the ones that were on the bed, balling them up and tossing them into the laundry basket.  
  
Clarke put the new sheets on the bed, doing her best to make them perfectly symmetrical. Most of the time, she didn't care about those kinds of things, but she knew how important organization was for Lexa, and that was _her_ room, after all.

"I'm impressed." Said the brunette, a soft laughter coming out of her throat; Clarke's favorite sound in the world.

"I have organization skills, I just don't use them much!" Answered Clarke, letting out a chuckle as well. She got the covers, placing a duvet over the bed and holding it open so Lexa could fit herself into it. "Come..."

“Won't you lie down with me?" Lexa's pout upon asking such question was adorably irresistible.

"Of course I will, silly!" Clarke pecked her lips with a smile. "But I'll tuck you in first!"

"Alright, then..." She smiled softly, getting herself into the sheets, waiting for Clarke to get herself beside her on the bed, snuggling her close, embracing her with arms and legs. Lexa was more than comfortable with that, she didn't remember feeling that safe ever since she had lost both her mom and Costia. She smiled to herself with the thought, mindlessly tracing patterns on Clarke's arm, both of them breathing silently. Holding her girlfriend like that, it was easier to let go of her pain and let the good memories of that house come to her instead.

“You know, when I was a kid we had set a swing for me outside. I would stay there for hours. There was nothing I loved more than swinging up and down with my eyes closed, pretending I was flying...” Lexa laughed a bit with the memory. The memory of the feeling itself was one of the best she had ever had. The air pulling her downwards whenever she went up, the constancy of the movements, always the same, always precise, while Lexa would be aware that she controlled everything about that ride. Her mom pushing her upwards whenever she had time for it, always there to catch her.

It was Elizabeth’s idea to set up a swing for the young girl, upon realizing how lonely Lexa was and how hard it was for her to make friends. She had decided to find something that her daughter could do on her own and the little girl loved the idea of a swing. They built it from scratch, together, and when it was done, it was one of the most impressive things Lexa had ever seen. She fell in love with the feeling of accomplishing things by herself, or with her mom’s help, and that’s when she decided if she could be good at something, she would always be _the best_ at said thing, so once she realized her talent for sports, she decided she would always try to be the best one at it.

Lexa had shared that memory with her girlfriend, who smiled widely watching her as she spoke. Her eyes were distant, as if she was reliving the memory at that exact moment, but her face was lit up and her lips curved in a smile. That was a happy memory, not one that had been affected with Elizabeth’s death in a bad way.

“This is such a good story. Way better than how I decided I wanted to be an artist!”

“Really?” Asked Lexa, smiling gently, caressing her girlfriend’s hair mindlessly, she had been doing that for a while now.

“Yeah. When I was a child I really enjoyed Art Class and as I grew, I feel more in love with it. And I realized Art made people happy, was beautiful and could be used for people to find very specific representation, so I decided it was the best thing I could ever do...”

“Hey, that’s a good story!” Said Lexa, pecking her girlfriend’s lips. “And your art is beautiful, I mean it.” She truly did. Ever since the first time they had met, Clarke’s art had touched Lexa in a way she couldn’t explain. It always seemed so beautiful and sincere, just like Clarke herself.

“Thank you.” Replied the girl, smiling widely. “Hey, Lexa, would you let me make a picture of you sometime? Would you pose for me?” Lexa’s cheeks burned a little, but she still smiled.

“I’d love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE BACK, BITCHEEES!  
> *ahem* I mean.  
> I'm so sorry, guys. So many things have been happening! Gracefully had taken a trip and I started working again and the both of us have been just so overwhelmed! But we're back now to finish this story and bring you new ones soon!
> 
> We hope you like this chapter.  
> Kudos and especially comments are very appreciated!  
> Stay tuned for the next chapter as we'll be back to our usual schedule!  
> As always, you can shout at us on gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl on tumblr :3


	15. Blood

_"The light of a brand new day_  
_I think we've finally found a home in this place"_  
                                   Blood - City and Colour

 

* * *

 

Lexa and Clarke kept snuggled for a while, Lexa sharing her favorite childhood memories with her girlfriend until she realized that her breath had gone significantly slower, as well as longer and deeper. She had been talking to herself for a while; however, she could never bring herself to be mad at Clarke for falling asleep. In fact, she hardly thought she could get mad at Clarke for anything at all, so she snuggled closer, closing her eyes as well.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had such a great “night” of sleep like that. It was true that she had gotten used to the group home with its constant noise and the fact she had to share a bathroom, but that place, despite its name, never felt like a home to her. As familiar as she was with it, her house would always be her house, the one she grew up in. Lexa knew which board on the floor would make noise when she stepped on and just how to nudge the kitchen door so it would close properly. Every corner of that place had a memory, didn’t matter if good or bad, but that was what home was all about.

They woke up with Octavia opening the door, making it slam on the wall with a loud noise. Clarke jumped on the bed, while Lexa kept her cool, mentally cursing her friend for being always so loud.

“Oh, that’s cute! We’re busting our asses off downstairs to clean and the princesses are taking a nap!” Lexa chuckled a bit, turning on her bed to find Octavia standing on her doorway, her hair pulled up in a messy bun on top of her head, her arms crossed on her chest.

“I hardly think you came up here just to complain at us, you’re too lazy for that….” Lexa said, getting one of her hair ties on her nightstand to start a braid in and attempt to tame her curls. Octavia opened her mouth to protest, but gave it up.

“I would complain, but you are right. I came all the way up here to tell you that we’re done”

Lexa nodded, slowly processing what her friend had just said, doing her best to push sleepiness aside.

“Thanks… I’ll go get us something to eat…”

O nodded, going back downstairs. Meanwhile, Clarke pulled her closed, burring her face in Lexa’s stomach, making a noise.

“I don’t wanna get up…” She said, squeezing Lexa a bit.

“You have to. I need you.”

“Of course you do. I’m your hot girlfriend who you can’t live without!” She joked, looking up at Lexa with a smile that was way more adorable than she thought Clarke could ever be. She giggled, taking a hand to her hair, caressing it gently.

“No, I need you to drive me to the pizza place. I don’t have a driver’s license, remember?”

“We need to fix that….”

“Why if I have you to drive me around and pick me up?”

“Well, point made.” Clarke smiled, finally sitting up and stretching herself. “Let’s go there.”

* * * * *

They entered the house again, pizza boxes piling up in Lexa’s arms as Clarke held the door open for them. Raven and Octavia had made themselves comfortable on the couch, O leaning against Lincoln.

“When did get here?” Clarke asked, frowning a bit.  
“About 10 minutes ago. Octavia called me. I hope that’s okay,” he said, clearly uncomfortable with the idea of the house owner not being aware that he was invited.

“Well, you could have arrived 2 hours ago and helped us clean…” Lexa joked, which was a little unusual for her, making everyone in the room laugh.

“You mean help us clean, right? Because you and princess took a nap,” Raven asked bluntly, leaning forward to open the pizza boxes and serve herself with a slice.

“I’m not sorry about it. I haven’t slept that well in quite a while!” Replied Lexa, getting a slice as well, sitting on the floor, her free hand running over the rug, enjoying the feeling of the clean fabric between her fingers. Clarke served herself, joining her girlfriend on the floor.

Lexa watched silently while everyone ate, chatting between themselves. She had been comfortable with her friends for a while now and she was more than okay to join them in their talks and jokes, but this time, she would just listen and occasionally laugh.

For as long as she could remember, it had been just her and her mom. They would snuggle on the couch, a cup of coffee in hand and bowl of snacks between them while they watched a movie in silence. For a little over a year, that feeling of peace was extended to Costia and how they would stay quiet for hours, words that didn’t need to be said aloud to be understood. They would simply enjoy the feeling of one another, letting their feelings warm them up and fill the silence in between them, like a cup filled up to the brim about to overflow on love.

It was only them when it dawned on Lexa: this, the 5 of them sitting on her living room, eating pizza, talking about various random subjects and sharing laughs, that was what family was about. She had always known that sharing blood and being a family weren’t always related and now that all the family she ever knew was gone, she had gained a new one. Lexa hardly doubted that Indra would be less valid of a mother to Octavia just because she hadn’t brought her into the world. Love was what would make a family and there was no one else that could convince her otherwise.

“I’m sorry…” Lexa said, swallowing a piece of her pizza, catching everyone in a surprise.

“About what, exactly?” Raven asked, slightly confused.

“Not at you. At Lincoln.“ She replied, frowning a bit. “It wasn’t your fault that our family pulled you away from me when we were kids. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Lexa, we’ve had this talk before. It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize” He said with a sympathetic smile, his hand running over Octavia’s hair, caressing her gently.

“Yes, we do. Just because we talked, didn’t mean I forgave you.” Lexa bit her lower lip, her hand playing with the laces of her boots “I was so hung up on how everyone abandoned me to realize that you, that this is the last bit of family I have left and that I really shouldn’t push away for your parents sins.”

“Thank you…” He said honestly, pulling Octavia close. “I’m not the only one who misses you, you know.”

“Then who else?” She asked, confusion taking over her, because she couldn’t remember anyone else.

“Uncle Gustus. He was your father’s brother. He grew apart from us after he came out as gay”

“I HAVE A GAY UNCLE?!” She asked in shock, very surprised by the fact, her reaction making everyone in the room laugh.

“Yes!” Lincoln replied between laughs. “Yes you do!”

****

Turned out Uncle Gustus didn’t live very far from the rest of them and once contacted by Lincoln, he was more than happy to welcome Lexa for a visit on the following weekend. She had spent the whole week very anxious and excited about it, and her girlfriend did her best to calm her down and not let her get overwhelmed by those feelings. Even though she shared Lexa’s excitement, it was great to know she had an older family member she could count on.

Gustus' place was rather simple. He lived in a small apartment, a little distant from the city's core. The moment Clarke rang the doorbell; the girls could hear an excited barking coming from inside. It seemed to come from a very large dog, maybe even too big for that place.

Once the door swung open, the, as predicted, massive dog came out, excitedly shaking its tail as it sniffed the girls. Clarke exchanged a glance with her girlfriend, ducking to get better access and caress the animal.

“I'm sorry, she loves receiving visits!” Said Gustus, laughing a little, caressing it as well. Only then, he allowed himself to share a glance with Lexa. His eyes instantly filled with emotion, and it was so full of love, Clarke was positive he would be good for the girl.

“My God, you've grown...” He said, raising a hand to caress her, but pulling it back awkwardly before he could even get to touch her. “I’ve missed you, noodles.”

“Noodles?” Clarke pondered, containing a laugh.

“Well, as a kid, her hair was a mess of curls and they looked like ramen noodles, so we nicknamed her after it!”

“It still kinda is!” Clarke giggled, messing up her girl's hair gently. Lexa frowned, pulling her unruly curls to one side, away from her girlfriends reach and twisting the ends of it between her fingers.

“You girls arrived earlier, so I’m still making lunch, if you don’t mind waiting…” He said, smiling brightly.  
“Do you need any help?” Lexa offered, biting her lower lip.

“Oh, thank you! That would be amazing!”

They headed to the kitchen with the huge white dog on their ankles, panting happily. Clarke did not know what kind of breed she belonged to, but she was a beautiful creature: huge and fluffy, with ears that swooped down. She looked a lot like a golden retriever, but bigger and bulkier. The dog also fascinated Lexa, the girl ducking down to caress her every so often and sharing some pieces of meat with the animal. It was adorable and Clarke could not contain her excitement when both rolled on the floor, with the dog laying on top of Lexa stomach and chest, licking her face happily, while the girl giggled on the ground.

Clarke approached, ducking beside the two of them, caressing the dog’s massive white head.

“What’s her name?” She asked Gustus, who didn’t seem to mind to be taking care of the food by himself again.

“Az!”

She turned to Lexa, a wide smile on her lips.

“I’d swear you’re a cat person!” Clarke joked, trying not to drool too much on those two adorable girls. Her girlfriend chuckled in response, pushing Az off of her and sitting up, starting to caress the puppy’s tummy. She threw herself on the floor, exposing her belly some more, her tongue hanging from the side of her open mouth and a leg repeatedly kicking the air.

Lexa giggled, caressing her with a bit more might and Clarke could not resist but to join in.

“I am! But who can resist a huge fluffy dog?!” She laughed, closing her eyes and throwing her head back in a way that never failed to make the other fascinated.

“Fair enough!”

“Don’t get too distracted and forget to help me, miss!” Gusts complained playfully, tapping Lexa’s back.

“I won’t! Promise!”

***

They had a lot of fun in that kitchen. Sharing laughter, experimenting sauces and watching Az so she wouldn’t steal any food. Gustus was a great person, easy to relate. He had a lightweight, calming presence that reminded Clarke of her father and how relaxed she used to feel when she was close to him. The Griffins, too, used to cook all together, making the kitchen a place that felt as alive as Gusts’ did at that moment. It was hard for Clarke not to feel comfortable with how familiar that whole situation was.

That was when she realized that for the first time a memory of her father did not bring her pain. She no longer felt that unbearable yearning squeezing her chest anymore, like the weight of the world rested on her shoulders, nearly causing her to collapse. It was still there, it would always be there, but that feeling was replaced with happiness and gratitude to have a wonderful father like he had been, even if he was no longer there. Her heart overflowing with happiness and love.

So much love.

“You look thoughtful.” Lexa noted, taking Clarke’s hand gently. The artist made a negative motion with her head, intertwining her fingers with Lexa’s, letting a small smile take place on her lips.

“It’s nothing. Really. Let’s eat?” Happily, her girlfriend agreed, letting her hand go so they could set the table and sit together, the dog surrounding them for a while, but finally settling down beside Gustus.

Clarke’s earlier suspicion that he would be a great person for Lexa to have on her life only grew stronger as they had the chance to know him better. While they ate, he told them a bit about his life and how, like Lexa, he also had been isolated from a certain part of the family for something he had no control over.

He preferred to keep his distance from them, but Elizabeth had always been nothing but kind, comprehensive and compassionate. The more he talked about her, the more Clarke wished she had had the chance to meet her. More and more, like sounded as if she was an amazing woman and her chest stung a little with the realization that they would never be able to meet.  
They could have been a good family. Her, Lexa, her parents, Elizabeth and uncle Gustus. She could see them inviting Lexa’s family to Christmas and having a pleasant evening altogether. Maybe even bring Az, who would surely love to run around Clarke’s backyard.

It would have been nice.

But what they had at the moment was nothing less than perfect, those who all of them lost brought them together, and she couldn’t remember feeling that happy ever since her father had been alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are really sorry for taking so long to update. This is not Westworld, we are not nearly as good as Nolan and Joy and we have no excuses for such a long hiatus other than personal lives getting in the way.  
> On the other hand, there's only one more chapter to go and it is halfway written. We plan on wrapping this up very soon.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> As per usual, you cann yell at us on tumblr at gracefullycurrsed and the-impossiblegrl ;)


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